In the fall of 2022, after six years of graduate school, my husband was finishing his dissertation and finally applying for jobs that would put his new degrees to use. Years of hard work were about to pay off, and we were excited for all the possibilities the future might hold for our family of six.
Then came the rejections. More searching, applying, waiting, hoping.
More disappointment.
I always strived to have “exceedingly great faith” (Alma 13:3), so during month after month of unsuccessful job searching, I prayed, fasted, and went to the temple. I took morning walks to meditate out in nature. I journaled, focused on gratitude, read my scriptures, and tried to distract myself by serving others. When worries crept in, I reassured myself that God would take care of us. After all, He had a 100 percent track record of seeing us through our hardest trials. Why would this be any different?
By the end of May, however, we had thirty days left on our lease and still no plans of where to go or what to do next. Despite my best spiritual efforts, worry and stress were consuming me. I woke with chronic headaches from grinding my teeth at night. My eye started twitching. My hands developed a tremble. The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak, and the cortisol was strong.
On top of all my worry, stress, and fear were feelings of guilt for being worried, stressed, and afraid. The Lord’s questions to His disciples when they awoke Him during a storm at sea ran on a continual loop in my mind. “Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?” (Mark 4:40).
The True Relationship Between Faith and Fear
Thankfully, in the midst of all my worries and guilt, the Spirit prompted me to read Matthew’s account of that same event. I was surprised to realize that in that version, the Lord didn’t say His disciples had no faith. Instead, He said, “Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?” (Matthew 8:26, emphasis added).
Their faith might have been little, but it was there, right alongside their fear. In that moment, the Spirit reminded me of two important lessons I’d learned years ago, but in the stress of my trials, had managed to forget:
- Faith and fear are not mutually exclusive. After all, if belief and unbelief can exist simultaneously in a person (see Mark 9:24), why can’t faith and fear?
- Being a disciple with exceedingly great faith does not mean that your faith must exceed some minimum standard of faith. The only thing your faith has to exceed is your own fear.
We Have a Choice to Make
Worries, fear, and stress are a natural part of our biology meant to warn us of potential danger and motivate us to take action so we can protect ourselves from that danger. We see this in the scriptures where it tells us that Noah prepared the ark “by faith” but also by being “moved by fear” (Hebrews 11:7).
There comes a time though when our worries and fears have served their purpose, and we have done “all things that lie in our power” (Doctrine and Covenants 123:17). It is then that we must follow Joshua’s counsel and “choose … whom [we] will serve” (Joshua 24:15). Will we serve our fear by giving it priority and letting our worries of things we can’t control freeze us in a perpetual state of inaction? Or will we serve our faith by acting on it despite our fears?
President Russell M. Nelson said: “The future is always uncertain. Weather changes. Economic cycles are unpredictable. Disasters, accidents, and illness can change life quickly. These actions are largely beyond our control. But there are some things we can control, including how we spend our time each day.”
Let Go of the Guilt
I couldn’t stop worries and fearful thoughts about my family’s uncertain future from entering my mind any more than Nephi could stop the scorns of those in the great and spacious building from reaching his attention. But just as he “heeded them not” (1 Nephi 8:33), I didn’t have to heed my fears by letting them govern how I spent my time each day. Thankfully, the Spirit helped me realize that I hadn’t been heeding them.
Every morning I chose to face the daunting uncertainty, get out of bed, and go for a walk while I dictated a journal entry of things I was grateful for, I had chosen faith over fear.
Every time I took my worry-laden mind to the temple, I had chosen faith over fear.
Every time I chose to read my scriptures with a trembling hand or close my twitching eyes to pray and tell God how much I was struggling, I had chosen faith over fear.
Once I recognized all the ways I had been choosing faith in spite of my fears, my guilt for feeling worried and afraid went away, even if my worries and fears didn’t.
I’m happy to report that we did eventually find a job and a place to live. It’s only a matter of time before something else happens and uncertainty returns to my life with all its inevitable worries and fears. But when it does, I won’t feel bad about my worries or fears because I know now that they aren’t a sin and they don’t reflect a lack of faith; they’re simply the “opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11) that is required for me to exercise faith that truly is exceedingly great.
Find more articles about faith in the links below.
▶ What does it mean to say ‘I know’ vs. ‘I believe’? One author’s insightful, comforting answer
▶ Reading Alma with original chapter breaks shows how to answer the essential question: Is there a Christ?
▶ A mother’s ‘unforgettable experience’ after lung transplant shows God knows the small pleadings of our hearts
▶ Peace can be a choice. 3 ways to re-center on Christ when worry sets in
