In hindsight, I can see that as a youth I misunderstood what it means to “have a testimony.” I viewed a testimony the way Dr. Tyler Johnson expressed on this week’s episode of All In:
“I think we often have a misconception in the Church that what we often call a testimony—that sort of knowledge of spiritual things—is like a thing that you gain when maybe you’re an older teenager, and then it’s kind of like a trophy that you can put on a shelf and just sort of have there for the rest of your life. And every once in a while, you go by and sort of polish it and make sure that it’s nice and shiny, but it just stays there and is stable,” Dr. Johnson says.
I understood a testimony as something I had to get once and then could have forever as long as I didn’t let it get rusty. That perspective was helpful to a point; it encouraged me to seek truth.
But what that perspective didn’t do is give me a way to navigate deep concerns about faith that came as I matured. Either my own concerns or questions from people I love. The way Dr. Johnson, the author of When Church Is Hard, explains testimony provides a much more helpful framework.
A Testimony as a Phoenix
Dr. Johnson suggests we think of a testimony not as a trophy, but as a phoenix.
“I think … that knowledge of any spiritual thing is a lot more like the mythical phoenix,” Dr. Johnson says. “The whole thing about the phoenix is that it keeps dying and having to be reborn. That is its life cycle, a continuous process of death and rebirth and death and rebirth.
“I think that it’s important that we recognize that those deaths and rebirths of our confidence in any spiritual idea or practice or system … are natural and to be expected.”
Understanding that a testimony is a continuous process will help us when we or those we love doubt what they once believed.
“When those dark nights of the soul come to you, I think we have to recognize that that’s just a natural part of the process of being human. … That normal regenerative process of death and rebirth and death and rebirth is normal and it’s not a thing that we have to pretend is not there,” Dr. Johnson says.
A Better Focus: Seeking Jesus
As I pondered Dr. Johnson’s words, I remembered a talk Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave in 2014 called “Receiving a Testimony of Light and Truth.” I was a junior in high school when the talk was given. Reading it now, I see that Elder Uchtdorf was also teaching the continuous nature of testimony.
“Let us acknowledge that most often gaining a testimony is not a task of a minute, an hour, or a day,” he said. “It is not once and done. The process of gathering spiritual light is the quest of a lifetime.”
Now I understand that rather than seeking a “testimony trophy,” I’m on a continuous quest for truth. And times of darkness on that quest are normal, not something I should be able to completely avoid.
I love that Dr. Johnson offers a phrase from Ether 12:41 to help us understand what it means to be on this quest:
“Mormon says, ‘and now I would commend you to seek this Jesus.’ And in my mind, if that forms the center of the journey of discipleship—in other words, if seeking Jesus is the stabilizing force of our spiritual attitude—then … even our doubt can be made to work for our ultimate spiritual good, as long as the center of our spiritual gravity is that we are seeking Jesus.”
I highly recommend listening to the full episode of Tyler Johnson’s All In episode and reading his recently published book When Church Is Hard.
When Church Is Hard
If you are struggling with questions and seeking to square your intuitive sense of the good found in the Church with questions about its history, doctrine, culture, or practices, this book is for you. Available at Deseret Book and deseretbook.com.
For more great articles, check out the links below:
▶ 6 spiritual questions your teens are sincerely asking—and how to answer them
▶ ‘When Church Is Hard’ author on helping young adults navigate complex faith questions
▶ What does it mean to say ‘I know’ vs. ‘I believe’? One author’s insightful, comforting answer
