Why 8-second hugs are so important

Young girl and mother hug each other on the couch — What can we do daily as parents to help our children understand—and feel—God’s love?

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President Jeffrey R. Holland once said, “A young person’s developing concept of God centers on characteristics observed in that child’s earthly parents.”

So what can we do daily as parents to help our children understand—and feel—God’s love?

Here are a few of our favorite ideas.

8-Second Hugs

One very tangible and timeless thing you could do to connect more intentionally with your kids is to start implementing eight-second hugs.

Researchers have found that when people hug for eight seconds or more, the feel-good hormone oxytocin is released and creates a stronger bond and connection between the huggers. And oxytocin has been shown to boost the immune system, reduce stress, keep your heart healthy, regenerate muscles, and improve concentration and sleep.

Creating a physically positive, literally health-promoting environment with something as simple as a hug can kick-start an even stronger, more connected relationship between parents and children.

The Power of Listening

In Primary, we sing, “Pray, He is there. Speak, He is listening.” Is the same true for us as earthly parents?

President M. Russell Ballard once counseled:

“Ask the right kind of questions and listen to what your [children] have to say each time you have a few minutes together. You need to know—not to guess but to know—what is going on in [their] life. [They] live in a very different world from the one in which you grew up. As they share with you what’s going on, you will have to listen very carefully and without being judgmental in order to understand what they are thinking and experiencing.”

Think about the last meaningful, personal conversation you had with your son or daughter. Is it time for another check-in? Are there things that have come up in your family or topics you’ve heard whispers about that would be worth discussing with them?

Turn Off the Tech

So much of what we do daily is tied to technology and mobile devices. And they can be great tools for connection.

But when you are physically in the same room or under the same roof, your child will remember that he or she was important enough that their parents put down their phones to listen to what they had to say.

According to Y Magazine, research shows that when our phones are present during face-to-face interactions—even when they are face down or not being used—there is a decrease in closeness, connection, and conversation quality.

Even turning off the music in the car can be a powerful invitation to connect. The lack of eye contact in a car takes the pressure off, so kids (and adults) are more likely to open up and share.

The Church’s recommendations for missionaries using technology include some great guidelines for all of us. It suggests, “Avoid checking or responding to digital messages while you are talking with someone face-to-face.” And “Avoid using your device as an excuse to avoid talking to people in person.”

It also recommends that you “limit the use of technology when you are feeling bored, lonely, angry, anxious, stressed, or tired, or when you feel any other emotion that makes you vulnerable or susceptible.”

Suppose we can put away our own technology when we’re feeling some of these negative emotions. In that case, it can set an example for our kids, too, and help all of us develop meaningful family connections—especially in times of emotional distress.

Make Sure They Know You Love Them

President Gordon B. Hinckley shared, “Children need sunlight. They need happiness. They need love and nurture. They need kindness and refreshment and affection. Every home, regardless of the cost of the house, can provide an environment of love which will be an environment of salvation.”

“God is love” (1 John 4:8). He loves us, and He helps us to feel that love. So if you can always show your children love in your words and actions—and the way you respond even when they misbehave—they’ll likely feel more connected to you and will hopefully feel that same loving acceptance from God, too.

Ask yourself: what can I do to express more love to my children throughout the day? How can I create an environment of love in our home? You could also take a minute to consider your child’s love language and lean into the actions that will mean the most to them.

Could you celebrate your child in small ways for their entire birthday month instead of just one day? Could you put love notes or words of encouragement in their lunch box or on their bathroom mirror? Could you ask to join in on their new hobby as a way to connect?

In the October 2023 general conference, Sister Tamara W. Runia suggested, “Let’s tell our loved ones in spoken and unspoken ways the messages they long to hear: ‘Our family feels whole and complete because you are in it.’ ‘You will be loved for the rest of your life—no matter what.’”

Let the Spirit Guide You

At the end of the day, you are the best parent for your child. Heavenly Father gave you this child, this family, at this time, with all its beautiful blessings and challenges, for a reason.

And when paired with prayer and the Spirit, there are few things more powerful than a parent’s intuition.

Use that intuition and the Spirit to help you know what to pray for, how to approach their concerns or questions, when to bring up hard topics, and how best to connect with your child.

The Church’s website includes these sample conversation starters: