When someone is facing a difficult trial, it can be tricky to know what to say. Some words may be helpful, while others can be hurtful, and it’s important to be mindful of what the person is feeling.
For Caitlin Bekker, a mother whose oldest son was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome and has undergone multiple open-heart surgeries, certain phrases felt more comforting than others while processing her son’s diagnosis and procedures.
“It was so helpful when people acknowledged that it was hard and that they were here to help,” Caitlin shared on a recent episode of LDS Living’s All In podcast. She said that some of the most reassuring phrases were:
- “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
- “I wish I could take this away from you.”
- “I’m here even though I don’t know what to say.”
- “I can’t make it better.”
- “I will always be here.”
Proactive gestures, such as offers to bring food or send DoorDash meals, were also invaluable. These acts of service supported Caitlin when worries overwhelmed her and made it difficult to make decisions or ask for help.
“[It was] really difficult to swallow [when] people would say, … ‘Let me know what I can do to help,’ because I was not in a head space to think of what I needed,” she explained.
In addition, while people often had good intentions, they sometimes made comments that felt dismissive or painful. “If you’ve never gone through something pretty traumatic, you may have no idea that what you’re saying could potentially be offensive,” she explained.
Some phrases that weren’t helpful included:
- “You are so strong.”
- “I couldn’t do it.”
- “At least [this] didn’t happen.”
- “It could be worse.”
“I did not feel strong—I was barely getting by for months,” Caitlin says. “A lot of people believe everything happens for a reason—some people don’t. And even people who do believe everything happens for a reason are allowed to feel sad or mad about something that is happening.”
More than words, Caitlin suggested it’s helpful to do something to show your love—even if it’s not a large gesture. “I had a friend in the ward [who] had no idea what to do [to help me],” Caitlin remembers. “She had her three little kids write positive things on paper and draw little pictures, and she just put it in a bag on my front porch with some chocolates.
“And it was probably one of my favorite things that anybody did because she had no idea what to do, but she just did something. And it made me feel really loved and looked out for.”
Listen to Caitlin’s full interview on the All In podcast, which is available on all streaming platforms.
For more ideas on how to support someone going through a difficult trial, read the articles below:
▶ What to say to help your missionary through a hard time
▶ How to take the stress out of giving and receiving help
▶ Ask this 1 question when you want to serve someone but don’t know where to begin
