I never had the goal to marry an Apostle. My goal was to draw close to Heavenly Father and make my life as meaningful and happy as I could. Because I value and believe in the plan of salvation, I wanted all the blessings associated with it. That included someday, in this life or the next, finding a companion that I loved and respected, a man I could trust and depend on, who would be loyal to me and active in the Church. I wanted to marry a man who loved the Lord more than he loved me, whose allegiance was to His eternal covenants. It would simply follow that such a man would be true to me and our future family.
Make Difficult Decisions
A time came in my life at age 52 when I had to make a major life decision. As a consultant who traveled constantly, I earned a generous salary. I had many travel perks but few time perks. In fact, I often left late Sunday evening and returned home Friday night. My only social life occurred in this narrow weekend window of time. I spent my spare moments almost exclusively with my family and in church. Each weekend when I returned from assignments, I drove directly from the airport to pick up my nieces and nephews, and they stayed with me. Saturday I prepared my Gospel Doctrine lesson late into the night and taught it the next morning. Then on Sunday evening, I would depart again for work.
It was a difficult time in my life because I wore “golden handcuffs.” Whenever I wished to quit my job, it became more lucrative. Most of my life, energy, and time were going to my employment. Concerned and feeling unable to change my life, I asked my bishop for a blessing. He blessed me. What he said was specific to me, and I do not advise you to do what I did unless you are likewise counseled in a blessing. I only advise you to be obedient to the promptings you feel for yourself. In that blessing, my bishop told me, “If you do not quit your job, you will have your blessings in the eternities but not in this life.” When I heard his words, I felt the truth of them. I had to stop traveling and find employment at home. For a single sister, giving up financial security is no easy thing. I had no new job to go to. I had to go on faith to resign from my job.
Looking back, I realize it was pivotal that I trusted in and acted on the blessing given me. I decided I had to stop relying on “the arm of flesh” (2 Nephi 4:34) and on my own wisdom. I determined to do what the Lord had told me to do in the blessing. In January 2000 I began writing letters of resignation; I had a wastebasket full. I wrote and rewrote the letter to Human Resources multiple times. Finally, I wrote a letter clear enough that no one could doubt my intention to resign. I gave notice and planned to leave on July 1, 2000. It was not until six months later that I learned that my future husband, at the prodding of his eldest daughter, Sharmon, was to commence his search for a wife in that very month.
Friends and family questioned my actions. After I wrote my letter of resignation, I jokingly told friends, “I want to stay home and fold socks and clean the house.” One man at church said to me, “Oh, Kristen, with all your skills, you want to do more than be a nanny!” He did not share my vision of a future husband and family, but his evaluation of my new job activities would prove partially accurate.
I felt tested, not only by circumstances but also by Heavenly Father. My demanding workload and dismal dating life were taking a toll, even though I had always had a strong conviction that everything would turn out well in the end. During that time in my life I remember flying in airplanes and weeping from tiredness. I would turn to my scriptures and find solace. It was a time to help me cement my faith. To complicate matters, at the end of June a competing corporation called to offer me my dream job, which would mean living in New York. I began to wonder which path to follow.
Be Yourself
My aunties, hearing at a family luncheon that I was about to become unemployed, arranged an appointment in June with a General Authority who had connections with the publishing business, the field I was just leaving.
This meeting with a General Authority was extremely unusual for me. My exposure to General Authorities had been minimal, and I liked it that way. I had the utmost respect for them. I revered them, but I also understood the line of priesthood jurisdiction and felt confident that my home teachers and my bishop were sufficient to bless my life.
Shortly after my meeting with this General Authority (I do not use his name lest my account brand him as a particularly effective matchmaker), Elder Oaks phoned him and asked if he knew someone he should get to know as part of his search for a wife. I was promptly lined up to meet him. Elder Oaks’s immediate phone call to me created a few daunting circumstances: he wanted to bring his daughter Sharmon to meet me before she left town the next day. I did not tell him I had just had a perm and needed to cover my head. We decided on a walk in Liberty Park. When I met my future husband and his daughter, I was wearing Levi’s and a baseball cap (to hide my curls) for our walk.
Looking back, I would never have planned to meet an Apostle of the Lord and his daughter dressed so casually. But that baseball cap allowed me to just be myself.
In a Church that is focused on family, singles can feel somewhat discounted and discouraged. Oftentimes the very resources meant to support people can inadvertently cause pain. In the bookA Single Voice, author Kristen Oaks addresses questions such as:
- What is “the single best thing you can do” as a single person in the Church?
- Are there ways to ease the transition from a singles ward to a home ward?
- What are some specific ways to make single life happier and more fulfilling?
- What are some tips for coping with the unique challenges of holidays?
- What are the key decisions that singles need to make?
A Single Voice addresses these concerns and offers valuable insights, personal reflections (including the story of the author's courtship and marriage to Elder Oaks), and rich advice for living life to the fullest as a single member.
Take Time to Develop a Good Friendship
Our initial meeting and the conversation that ensued seemed like that of three longtime friends. Elder Oaks told me that he had often taken walks with his wife, June, who had died two years earlier. I asked him to tell me about her. From the beginning, we felt calm and relaxed with each other. Sharmon shared much about their family and her mother. We laughed and talked, and our courtship began.
Because Elder Oaks felt that in our dating we should not attend public events together, we began from that day to visit family members, eat with them, take walks, go on picnics, and have ice cream on backyard patios. These activities provided an in-depth opportunity to really learn about each other. It was very sweet, romantic, and low-key. I suggest that if you desire to really get to know someone, spend a good many dates in the company of that person’s siblings, parents, or children.
What distinguished my courtship with Elder Oaks was the total peace and assurance I felt that all would be well, whether we married or not. We developed a wonderful friendship, and I came to love his family. Now, much to my delight, they are my family as well.
Looking back on my single years, I am so very thankful for the time I had to learn the gospel, to live the gospel, and to make Heavenly Father my best friend. Time is a dear friend also—it mellows us and matures us. My wish for other singles is that they enjoy each and every day of their life. Now that I am married, I do not feel that I have graduated to a higher plane. I do know that I feel more complete. I know that all we do in life contributes to our future happiness. When I look back on my single life, my only regrets are that I spent too much time worrying about my future and too little time in the kitchen. I would do anything to be able to make better dinner rolls.
Do Your Homework
When you meet someone at church, you can usually assume that you share similar values. I can directly attribute my marriage to my Church service. We had been dating and were enjoying each other’s company, but before he allowed his feelings for me to develop any further, he wanted to know more about me. Unknown to me, he prayed to meet someone he knew and trusted who had also known me for a long time and who could tell him more about me.
One Sunday when he came to dinner, I asked him if we could visit an elderly couple who had missed my Sunday school class. They were dear friends of mine, and I had heard they were ill. He walked to their door with me, which was extremely unusual because until that time we had made every effort to keep our dating private. When the door opened, Elder Oaks immediately greeted the elderly gentleman with a smile and a big hug. He was well acquainted with him, having earlier attempted to hire him as a professor at BYU.
My elderly friend had been a partner in one of the most prestigious accounting firms in America and was renowned for his good judgment and honesty. I had no idea. I only knew him and his wife as dear friends who had retired to my condominium complex. We entered their home and visited, and the time flew. I looked at my watch and asked if I could excuse myself to finish cooking dinner.
In the conversation that ensued after I left, this gentleman told Elder Oaks of their long years of friendship (nearly twenty) with me. He said that he and his wife had often commented on my singleness and expressed the opinion that I must be being saved for someone very special. For Elder Oaks, who implicitly trusted and respected this man’s opinion, that comment meant he would continue to court me. As for me, I was taken totally by surprise by my friend’s comments when Elder Oaks later shared them with me. The elderly gentleman had seen me serve in the ward in many capacities for many years, and the Spirit directed Elder Oaks to him as a witness of my character. I can testify from this experience that service in the Church makes a great difference in our lives and that the still, small voice can direct us to great blessings.
Don’t Smother or Pester
To help facilitate a successful dating relationship, it is usually wise to allow the man to be the initiator, no matter what age you are. If he makes the effort to contact you, arranges to see you, and takes care of the details, you can be fairly certain that he wants to be with you and has some idea of the basics. In addition, it is an interesting truth that the more self-initiated and independent effort a man puts into building a relationship with a woman, the more he comes to value her. You can encourage him in this by giving him time and space to decide for himself if he wants to pursue you. If he chooses not to, it may hurt, but not as much as if you initiate the relationship and then come to realize he is not interested. Worse, you may discover he is just spending time with you until something better comes along or he figures out an acceptable time and way to end things.
During my early acquaintance with my husband, I allowed him to make all the phone calls and appointments and contacts because I felt those were his prerogative until I knew him well. That entailed more than a few nail bites as I waited for him to call me. A confident woman does not need constant reassurance.
Maintain the Lord’s Standards
If we do our best to keep our thoughts and behavior within the standards the Lord has set, we will surely receive blessings. My husband told me that during our courtship, as he left the home of a married daughter, she playfully called out, “Now, Dad, remember who you are and what you represent.” He and I have laughed about this daughter’s loving admonition as she mimicked the exact things her father had said to her when she was dating. We also knew that her words were true and that Heavenly Father would bless our courtship as we conducted ourselves in a manner consistent with His commandments. He will do the same for you if you keep your courtships and dating experiences wholesome and within the parameters outlined by our gospel standards.
Look for Peace
Marriage is the most important covenant you will ever make. When I seriously considered others before I met my husband, something always obstructed the relationship; it somehow wouldn’t work. When I prayed and fasted in other situations, sometimes I felt nothing, sometimes I felt confused, and sometimes I felt overcome with sadness. With those other dating opportunities, I always felt I would be settling for someone not completely right for me—even if he was a wonderful individual. When I met and began dating Elder Oaks, it was a most peaceful and pleasant experience. It was not hard or traumatic. I loved him and respected him. You should only consider marriage with someone that you love and respect with all your heart. Anything less will be inadequate eternally.
When I met my husband I met my best friend. There was romance, but more important, I found someone I felt comfortable with—someone with whom I could pull weeds in the garden, wash dishes, pray, and confer over problems. I enjoyed his company more than anyone else’s and came to depend on his honest feedback and wise advice. I could confide in him, and I had complete confidence in him. He would also laugh at my jokes.
Trust is the basis of every loving relationship. All we say and do contributes to the trust we develop with our family and loved ones. Others will come to rely on us in direct proportion to our reliance on the Lord and our obedience to His commandments.
Lead image from lds.org
In a Church that is focused on family, singles can feel somewhat discounted and discouraged. Oftentimes the very resources meant to support people can inadvertently cause pain. In the bookA Single Voice, author Kristen Oaks addresses questions such as:
- What is “the single best thing you can do” as a single person in the Church?
- Are there ways to ease the transition from a singles ward to a home ward?
- What are some specific ways to make single life happier and more fulfilling?
- What are some tips for coping with the unique challenges of holidays?
- What are the key decisions that singles need to make?
A Single Voice addresses these concerns and offers valuable insights, personal reflections (including the story of the author's courtship and marriage to Elder Oaks), and rich advice for living life to the fullest as a single member.
