A single man may mistakenly believe:
if he says nice things to a woman, she’ll be more interested in him;
if he’s immediately available and accommodating, she’ll value, respect, and appreciate him;
if he buys her gifts and takes her on expensive dates, she’ll be more excited about him;
if he jumps in to take care of her or fix her problems, she’ll appreciate and respect him;
if he dates only her, she’ll value his immediate loyalty and commitment.
Although men who do these things may hope to get the attention, affection, and commitment of the people they date, they are more likely to fall into the "too nice" or "good for now" trap. The reason why is simple: Women need to see strength and confidence in men if they are to trust and respect them.
Women need to see strength and confidence in men.
A woman may argue that she would only love and appreciate a man who did these things for her, but upon reflection she will usually admit that many of the men who have quickly acted in these ways with her have either seemed too nice (which made them easy to take for granted) or they seemed creepy, weird, insincere, or obsessive (which made it easy to reject them without question).
The problem isn’t that women want to be treated badly. Women like nice men. Women simply need to see that these nice men are also strong and confident, they have limits, and they won’t tolerate being treated badly.
To secure more attention, affection, and commitment now . . .
Lean back so you appear cool and calm. The number one need of a woman is to feel safe and secure. If you get too close to a woman or lean in too much, you will look too intense, vulnerable, or creepy, which could trigger early rejection. By leaning back you not only look and feel more calm but you also make it easier for her to lean toward you (which could indicate that she has interest in you).
Use good posture, body language, words, and tones. When talking with a woman, be sure to keep regular eye contact. Square your shoulders and straighten your back. Keep your chin up (if you drop your chin it can look like you lack confidence or have a hidden shame). Use a confident and deeper tone of voice when expressing your opinions (fluctuating or raising your tone of voice can cause others to question the strength of your convictions). Don‘t focus on your problems or make negative comments about yourself or your life.
Look like a man who is busy and on the go. Don't linger too long––whether it is during the first contact, while on the phone, or at the end of the date. You need to show her that you can take charge of a situation and end things on your terms (which makes her value you and your time more). Don’t rush every interaction, or she will think that you won’t make time for her, but after spending some time getting to know her, simply say, “I could talk to you all night, but I really need to get back to work (or get home).” Then add, “I’d like to see you again. When would be a good time to call?” This shows her that you respect your time and hers while also having other important things in your life that you enjoy.
Save the best of you for those who invest in you. Expensive dates and gifts need to be reserved for those who demonstrate that they appreciate your efforts. You will know that they appreciate you because they will consistently return your calls in a timely manner; they will lean forward, smile at you, or touch you sometimes; or they will offer to pay for some small part of the date. Plan to invest in her but limit your sacrifices to moderate or inexpensive dates (for the first four dates). As her investment and appreciation continues, increase your sacrifices and/or add some modest gifts (this encourages and supports her investment in you).
Keep dating other women. Just as men want women other men want, women want men other women admire. If you become immediately exclusive (and before a woman is ready to do the same) you could set yourself up for the too-nice trap. Instead, keep dating others. The reality that other women appreciate you will decrease the risk that she will take you for granted. Furthermore, it will remind you that if she doesn’t value and appreciate you, someone else will.
Regardless of your dating past, you need to know, itʼs NOT you—itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.
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To avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues like these, visit ItsYourTechnique.com, where you will get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.
Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the Mormon Dating System.