I’d been through breakups before, and they were all hard in their own ways, but none could have prepared me for having my wedding called off just days before. I knew it was the right thing because I wouldn’t have wanted to start my marriage off with doubt or fear, but everyone telling me it was “for the best” drove me crazy. They said, “Better now than in a few years down the road”, and, “You dodged a bullet.” When I disagreed with them they all gave me the most concerned, sad, and all-knowing look that seemed to say that I was naïve, needed time, and would look back in a few years having moved on and laugh. They all couldn’t wait to share their “similar” experiences. I know all of this was said and done out of love and with the best intentions, but all I felt was numb.
Trying to save face
I made it look like I was okay, but then a wave of reality would hit and I’d feel every emotion. This was confusing for those around me because they expected me to initially react and then move on. I’d always been a happy, optimistic, strong girl who didn’t let things get to me, so this was very out of character. Everyone around me knew it, but no one knew it more than me. I wanted to control the waves of emotions but I couldn’t, and didn’t understand why. I got discouraged and was honestly embarrassed that I couldn’t “snap out of it.” This led me to keep to myself, which I know wasn’t good for me, but I hated showing those emotions to others. I wasn’t proud of myself.
I searched everywhere for an answer, a way to understand what I was going through. Happiness has always been a passion of mine. It came so easily to me and I really didn’t understand when people would struggle with it. I always tried my best to be supportive; because happiness is so important to me I wanted other people to have it as well. I believed happiness was a choice and no one or anything could take it away from you without your consent. I still believe this to a degree, but I have also come to understand depression better and how it isn’t as simple as I thought. Depression is real and unique to each individual going through it, and it sucks.