I sat in a Chili’s restaurant across from a close friend. We were discussing the gospel, and she said something along the lines of, “I just don’t know how to reconcile all the things I do believe with the things I don’t necessarily believe.” Boy, did I know how she felt.
I was raised in the Church and attended Brigham Young University. During my first year, I felt so out of place in church discussions. I felt like everyone knew things I didn’t know, and I allowed my insecurity to turn into embarrassment and feeling displaced. So I mostly stayed away from church activity through my 20s.
I started attending church regularly again at age 29, was endowed at age 32, and felt like I was on the path meant for me. But for years, I was still filled with so much doubt. I was going to church, praying constantly, and occasionally attending the temple. Yet I still felt like I was sitting on the fence—and it was exhausting.
It wasn’t until my 40s that I felt a welcome shift. I heard something gospel-related that would’ve normally created doubt and concern for me, but this time it didn’t. For some reason, at that moment, I knew it was OK if I didn’t understand everything.
I realized for the first time in my life that my understanding of the gospel didn’t have to be all or nothing. What I did know was enough for now, and over time, more things would likely make sense to me. I felt this heavy sense of worry lift off my shoulders.
So when my dear friend expressed her concern to me at Chili’s, I said something like, “I had the same concerns for a long time. But somewhere along the way, I finally just let it go and realized I didn’t need all the answers at once.”
When I said that out loud, I instantly heard God speak to me. He said, “That was my gift to you.” I had thought that I’d overcome my doubt on my own. But the Spirit told me that God had stepped in.
Sitting there at Chili’s, I finally realized—God had seen how hard I’d been trying; He knew how much to let me struggle, and He knew when I needed relief from doubt.
He now speaks to me often, and I’m so grateful for the peace and comfort my Savior and Heavenly Father know how (and when) to perfectly provide.
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