Screenshot (424).png — Steps both parents and adult children can take to weave connections even amid religious differences.

Illustrations by Francesca Gastone

Editor’s note: This article first appeared in the July/August issue of LDS Living magazine. The theme for the issue was Finding Peace, in which we explored the incredible reality that when our hearts are in tune with the Savior, personal peace is possible.

The very night I sat in my office writing an academic proposal to study how families stay connected when they differ politically and religiously, my teenage son approached me about his lack of belief in the Church. My initial intellectual pursuit suddenly became a very personal topic for me.

Based on this experience and countless others since then, I believe that a loving parental relationship can motivate children to remain grounded in goodness, which could lead them to eventually seek the Lord when the time is right. Drawing on my roles as a developmental psychologist and mother of five children, I will address conceptual and practical steps both parents and adult children can take to stay connected amid religious differences. These steps are based on conflict resolution principles, academic research, and spiritual insights from my own discipleship.

First, two conceptual steps.

See Each Other through an Empathetic Lens

Research overwhelmingly confirms that in our culture it is usually the parents, not the adult children, who carry the greatest responsibility for maintaining a harmonious relationship.¹ This is not to comment on whether or not parents should be primarily responsible; the research simply states that they traditionally have been.

So as parents, our children’s rejection of their covenants may leave us bewildered on how to move forward. In daily life, we may struggle to reconcile competing goals of an eternal family and everyday tolerance of our children’s divergent choices. We may also feel that our children have personally rejected our efforts in raising them, culminating in possible feelings of failure and hopelessness. Like the Lord of the vineyard in Jacob’s allegory of the olive grove, we may ask: “What could I have done more for my vineyard?” (Jacob 5:41) In our grief, we perhaps second-guess our parenting efforts, reviewing every parenting mistake we have ever made and wondering if we could have prevented the loss of our child’s faith.

Yet your child is probably grieving too. Contrary to popular perception, research suggests that individuals who leave the Latter-day Saint faith also experience an intense period of grieving for the loss of community, identity, and connection.² Many adult children become anxious about how to maintain connection with loved ones whose values appear diametrically opposed to their own. If both parent and child remain mindful that the other is also grieving, that empathetic lens can lead to more loving interactions.

Screenshot (425).png — If both parent and child remain mindful that the other is also grieving, that empathetic lens can lead to more loving interactions.

Illustration by Francesca Gastone

Reject Cognitive Distortions

Empathy will also help us resist believing that we have become too dissimilar to ever get along. That is a cognitive distortion. While an adult child’s choice to question or leave the Church threatens family unity and core family values, we are not always as different as we think.

In fact, research suggests a “religious residue effect,” which describes how individuals who leave religion often maintain many shared values with those who remain religious.³This means that in a family of believers, most children will still likely share cherished values such as service, hard work, honesty, treating strangers with respect, and believing in the worth of the individual. As weavers of family relationships, it is critical that we as parents focus on our similarities in values, not our differences.

Rather than abandoning our shared family rituals around faith, we can adapt. For example, instead of serving ancestors in the temple, we visit a local cemetery to honor and learn about our ancestors. Or we might volunteer at a local refugee center (or other nonprofit preferred by our adult children) to continue patterns of service in the community. We create possibilities for connection in the present—rather than being immobilized by fear and abandoning traditions of regular family gathering.

As a word of caution, some children who question or leave the faith demand that parents choose between the Church and their parent-child relationship, suggesting that we cannot manage to love both God and our families. While difficult to wade through the cognitive, emotional, and social complexity of “mixed faith” families, we do not have to choose between God and family. Instead, we concentrate on opportunities to stay connected with our children as an expression of our devotion to God and to each other.⁴

Screenshot (426).png — As weavers of family relationships, it is critical that we as parents focus on our similarities in values, not our differences.

Illustration Francesca Gastone

Take Practical Steps for Stronger Relationships

Groundbreaking research by Dr. Karl Pillemer on parent-child reconciliation can be helpful in our efforts to maintain strong relationships.⁵After more than one hundred interviews with parents and adult children who have reconciled their relationships, Dr. Pillemer suggests the importance of (1) focusing on the present, (2) revising expectations, and (3) creating clear boundaries.

1. Focus on the Present

Research suggests we benefit from focusing on current conditions in the relationship rather than blaming ourselves or our children for how they now view faith. By focusing on the present, we stop trying to rehash negative moments related to faith and spend our energy creating stronger family connections based on continued shared values.

2. Revise Expectations

We also need to stop trying to force our adult children to change to meet our expectations of correct behavior or suitable relationships. Even if we do not agree with a child’s lifestyle choice or relationship, we avoid demanding change because it usually leads to more resentment and resistance. Instead, we do our best to show respectful interest in our children’s lives and try to get to know new people in their circles. And we resist making our children choose between us and their partner, knowing that children rarely choose parents over a spouse.

3. Create Clear Boundaries

Creating clear, mutually acceptable boundaries prevents conflict spirals and helps the family focus on common values. For example, if an older adult child starts talking negatively about the Church around the grandkids at a family gathering, try initiating a discussion of what is and isn’t appropriate for that setting. Not only do we set boundaries, but we also gently but firmly enforce boundaries when they are crossed.

In addition to Dr. Pillemer’s three key ideas on reconciliation, I would offer a few additional suggestions from my experience as a Latter-day Saint mother and psychologist.

4. Learn to Communicate Empathetically Across Differences

Parent-adult child interactions about faith are often emotionally charged. Both parents and children need to have the opportunity to voice their concerns without being attacked or criticized. Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a very helpful communication style that facilitates empathic exchange and establishes confidence in each other.

The basic steps to NVC are (a) share an observation, (b) express a personal feeling, (c) connect a personal feeling with a need, and (d) make a concrete request for positive action. For more information on developing this skill, visit The Center for Nonviolent Communication at cnvc.org.

5. Treat Individuals as People, Not Objects

No one wants to be treated like an object or merely as someone playing a social role, such as the “black sheep daughter” or “toxic parent.” Instead of defaulting to accusations (even if they are only internal accusations), we can instead work on seeing people as people.

For example, I sought to reconcile my older sister to the Church by sending missionaries rather than myself to her door. I now recognize that I treated her more as an object than a person. I should have taken the time to understand her thoughts and feelings without trying to change her. Many children express the desire to be supported and accepted as they are rather than subject to lectures and change tactics.

6. Look to the Scriptures for Parental Exemplars

Finally, we can draw strength from parental exemplars in the scriptures who nurture children who leave or question the faith. Take the prophet Jacob as an example. We don’t know how far his son Enos had strayed from his gospel moorings, but we do know that Enos reached a point, most likely as an adult, when he questioned his father’s teachings enough to “wrestle” before God because of it.

I see several things that helped Enos through his spiritual struggle. First, he identified Jacob as “a just man.” Second, Enos remembered his father’s words about “eternal life and the joy of the saints” rather than scare tactics about hell and damnation. Third, Enos recalled that Jacob had frequently shared his feelings about the gospel. All of that “sunk deep” in Enos’ heart, seemingly contributing to his desire to seek truth. Eventually, Enos finds renewed faith and enters a covenant relationship with the Lord. With a heart now dedicated to the Savior, Enos prays for the Lamanites, whom the Nephites have been trying without success to restore “to the true faith.” God promises that the Lamanites will have the truth “in his own due time.” Importantly, Enos then tells us that his “soul did rest” (Enos 1:1–17).

May we exercise faith in the Lord’s timetable like Jacob and Enos as we care for those within our stewardship. Reciprocally, may we invite our children to show their love for us by seeking to understand and empathize across religious divides. Our imperfect attempts to connect will yield good fruit as we focus on the positive and concrete things we can do rather than on what we have lost.

When moments of despair and confusion overtake us, we can choose to look to God and say, “help thou mine unbelief” (Mark 9:24). With the Savior at our side, I believe we, like Enos, can all find rest for our souls as we love and serve our families.

For more inspiration on ministering to adult children see the links below.

▶ This important line from general conference might help you worry less about your adult children
▶ If you’re worried about a loved one’s testimony, this Book of Mormon chapter will guide you
▶ The simple thing my mom did that showed me the power of temple garments