Editor's Note: The views, information, or opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author. Readers should consider each unique situation. This content is not meant to be a substitute for individual, professional advice.
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Q: My kids’ father pays little of what he’s supposed to in child support and alimony now, but went many years without paying a cent and made my life incredibly difficult, as I depended on that support. I’m now in a position that I don’t “need” it. I’m able to pay my bills on my own, although it’s still a struggle because I’m catching up from when I got nothing.
I feel bad taking him to court to get the tens of thousands of dollars he owes in back support. I feel unforgiving and spiteful when I think about holding him accountable. I know that’s how he would take it. But honestly, the burden is almost entirely on my second husband and I. The small amount my first husband pays is a pittance compared to what it costs to sustain the children’s lives. Should I just let it go?
A: There is nothing un-Christlike about holding your former spouse accountable. The Apostle Paul taught “if any provide not for his own, and especially not for his own house, he is worse than an infidel.” (1 Timothy 5:8) Fulfilling of parental responsibilities, including providing for the temporal needs of children, is an eternal principle.
President Gordon B. Hinckley spoke in even plainer terms: “They have left their children fatherless. They have avoided with every kind of artifice the payment of court-mandated alimony and child support. Do I sound harsh and negative? Yes, I feel that way as I deal with case after case and have done so over a period of time…
“Now I recognize that there may be some few cases where conditions of the marriage are totally intolerable. But these cases are in the minority. And even in these cases, where a marriage has been undertaken and children are brought into the world, there is a responsibility, binding and with accountability before God, to provide care for those for whose lives the father is responsible.” (Our Solemn Responsibilities, October 1991 General Conference).
If your former spouse does not practice our faith (and therefore will not yield to Gospel-based reasoning), you have the law of the land on your side, and that law is there for a reason. This has nothing to do with forgiveness or vindictiveness, or if it does then check your motivations. This should be about accountability and not enabling him as he avoids his responsibilities to his children. You can forgive him while still holding him accountable. You can let go of bitterness and anger. You can choose to not seek revenge. You can do all of this while expecting him to be a father to the children you have together. If it takes a court ruling to make that happen, so be it.
However, if you feel prompted to let it go as you approach God in prayer, absolutely do so. There may be perfectly valid reasons to let it go. For example, Jesus preached about forgiving debtors who are unable to pay their debts (see Luke 7:40-43). If you receive no specific guidance from the Lord, it may be because He wants you to make your own decision which, if done with righteous motives, will be approved of Him whatever you decide (see D&C 58:26-28). In short, it is not morally wrong to seek back support in a court of law; it may be very right in fact, but then so might be other choices.
God bless you. I hope this helps.