Editor's Note: The views, information, or opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author. Readers should consider each unique situation. This content is not meant to be a substitute for individual, professional advice.
For daily, gospel-based relationship insights, join Jonathan’s Facebook group. To submit a question click here, or schedule a consultation here.
Q: The past week has been rough. With my husband now working from home and my children staying home from school, we don’t have a lot of individual space or room to breathe. Tensions are high and there’s a lot of sniping, quarreling, annoyance, and high emotion. We’ve got guidelines for our physical health, but our emotional health is deteriorating rapidly. What can we do?
A: Thank you so much for reaching out with this. So many are struggling with the same issues right now. The transition can be so difficult, trying to get work done while keeping in-house noise levels down, exercising vigilance to keep everyone healthy, ensuring the needed supplies and food stay in stock, and trying to help everyone get along so that the home doesn’t become a madhouse. It’s a lot.
My wife has homeschooled our children for years, and I do online therapy sessions from a secure home office. We’ve spent months abroad in the past, away from Latter-day Saint congregations, and had to do church at home (with priesthood permission). If I may say so with humility, our experiences have uniquely positioned us to help right now. Allow me to tell you some things we’ve learned. Others may see it differently, and I welcome our readers’ emotional survival tips in the comments.
- Exercise and outside play are important. While COVID-19 is serious, there’s no reason to not go into your backyard or an open field. Just wash your hands immediately when you’re done. Keeping your family from becoming stir crazy is a very good thing. Plus, sunlight and the accompanying Vitamin D are excellent for the immune system. Go for a walk. Shoot hoops. Toss the ball. Go for a hike. Just try not to touch things others may have touched recently and stay away from crowds. Getting outside will do wonders for diminishing conflict. If your kids don't want to play outside, try playing with them. Many times they'll change their tune.
- Make time for individual time. Part of the strain of occupying the same space with the same people, especially when children are involved, is the feeling of individuals that they are only part of the group and not seen for who they are. Making time to read, play, talk, or work one-on-one can do amazing things for morale and settle unsettled hearts. If you can, schedule these into your week during a family council or couples’ council.
- Limit screen time. There is an understandable temptation to let video games, movies, YouTube, and devices babysit your children. This can backfire in a major way, as studies have linked excessive screen time to moodiness, aggression, and feelings of sadness. Instead, incentivize screen-time as something earned and limit its use to a specific amount of time per day.
- Create, carry out purposeful goals. Weekly family councils (or one-on-ones with kids) will allow for making spiritual, educational, physical, and recreational goals and reporting on the same. Plan time for working on goals into your day so that everyone can enjoy “quiet time” and a sense of purpose. This is a great time for family members to retreat to separate corners of the house and enjoy alone time. It’s also a fine time to pick up new skills, catch up on family history and journaling, and become reacquainted with leisure reading. Take a relationship course. Learn how to cook, take up yoga, do home improvement projects. Challenge the drudgery of quarantining by giving yourself a purpose.
- Establish a routine. Home life descends into chaos when family members don’t know what to expect. Knowing when Come Follow Me study will occur, when schoolwork and chores will be done, when free time will take place. It doesn’t have to be rigid and inflexible, but it does need to be consistent.
- Distance physically, not socially. Make phone calls and video calls to loved ones. Enquire about friends or ward members in need and bring supplies or food to their doorstep. Write letters and emails.
- Practice good conflict resolution skills. Have a family meeting about what to do when tension gets high or people get angry. Ask family members what happens to their bodies when they get angry, so they can recognize that it’s time to calm down. Oftentimes family members report pounding hearts, tense muscles, hot faces, tight chests, gritted teeth or more. Have each family member create a “calm down” plan. You can help them with this but, depending on the age, as much of it should come from them as possible. Instruct them to practice identifying, once calm, the vulnerable emotion that was beneath their anger (fear, hurt, embarrassment, etc.) and how to see the other person’s perspective, weaving these into their conversations once calm.
- Bond over family recreation. While families can bond over video games and movies (the latter can be especially effective if paired with good discussion guides), do not underestimate the power of a good old-fashioned board game (or get-together game) to connect, enjoy each other’s company, and pass the time. Ditto for jigsaw puzzles. Cosmic Kids even offers Star Wars, superhero, and Harry Potter-themed yoga for kids.
- Give everyone the opportunity to participate in Gospel study. Don’t read to your children, study with your children. Even the youngest non-readers, if they can speak, can repeat verses a few words as a time that are read to them. Ask family members what they liked or learned. Don’t make anyone answer, just leave the floor open for them to do so. Bear testimony and invite others to do the same, leaving the floor open for a bit before closing with prayer.
- Meditation and self-soothing. These are alarming times, with the news media stirring up even more fear and panic. When fear settles in, tensions run high. Learning to soothe yourselves through meditation can do a lot to relieve stress and bring the anxiety and irritability down. I recommend downloading and using an app called Insight Timer, which takes you and yours through soothing guided meditations, played through your phone as you lay and close your eyes. We use it when our kids are riled up or when we're trying to get them to sleep.
- Allow yourself to be imperfect. The fact is that families are flawed because people are flawed. We’re all learning to bridle our passions, including our tempers. Be patient with one another and with yourself. Allow for imperfections to be learning opportunities (what are we going to do differently next time?) instead of cause for rebuke.
God bless you. I hope this helps.