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[00:00:00] In 2020, while the entire rest of the world was dealing with a pandemic that was full of uncertainty, Caitlin Bekker gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Matthew. His birth, like the world at large, was also full of uncertainty. Prior to his birth, Caitlin learned that her baby would be born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome, a congenital heart disease that would require multiple open heart surgeries, including one that just.

Six days old, what would life hold for this little boy? But what does life hold for any of us? Caitlin Bekker says she has learned that nothing in life is guaranteed, and the key is to embrace the scars in the story that mortality gives us. Caitlin Bekker is the mother of three beautiful children and has embraced her role as a heart mom.

She and her husband William, are now raising their family in the Boston area.

This is All In, an LDS Living podcast, where we ask the question, what does it really mean to be all in the gospel of Jesus Christ? I'm Morgan Pearson, and I am. So honored to have Caitlin Bekker on the line with me today. Caitlin, welcome. Thanks for having me, Morgan. Well, I invited Caitlin on because I have been so impressed by the way that you have handled a situation that I think so many people, we just have no idea what we would do in, in a situation like the one that you're in, and I feel like you and your husband.

For being a young couple have handled it with so much grace, and so I'm so excited to learn from you today. I wanted to, to start for listeners to kind of lay the groundwork for our conversation. I wondered if you could tell me a little bit about the background of your family and, and specifically the day that you found out, uh, about Matthew's condition.

All right, so my husband and I had just moved, um, to Minnesota and decided to have baby number two. And then, um, after my 20 week anatomy ultrasound, I was told to go to a specialty clinic the next day for some better images and to bring my husband and I felt. That it was probably pretty serious. So after holding my husband's hand and crying through the whole fetal echo, we were told that our baby boy had a heart condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome, which means basically that the left ventricle of his heart, which is meant to pump blood to the body, did not function.

They, they were not exactly sure at what level the rest of his heart was doing. So that day we were, we were given three options. We could terminate the pregnancy, we could provide the baby with comfort care after he was born, or we could move forward with at least three open heart surgeries if he was a candidate, if his heart was strong enough for it.

That was a day that changed our life. Caitlin, how do you even handle, like making a decision like that? How did you approach making that decision? I, I won't lie, it crossed my mind for a second. If it would be healthier for me, less painful for the baby, should I. Perhaps terminate the pregnancy. But upon learning more information, we learned that the baby was perfectly healthy inside of the womb, and labor and delivery didn't have any complications or shouldn't at least.

And so we decided even if this baby. Would only live for a few hours, a few days. We would give him as much life as we possibly could. So we, we approached it, of course, thinking about, um, what we believe spiritually and we wanted to give him as much life as he could have. So how did you, after you found out and you decided what you were gonna do moving forward, talk to me about how you processed that information and.

I, I imagine that when you receive news like that, there's probably, I think a lot of times we think about grief and it's like, oh, well it's, grief is associated with loss of life, right? Um, but I think sometimes we don't think about the grief associated with. Lost expectations, the kind of life that we thought we were gonna have or the kind of life we wanted to give our children.

So talk to me about how you navigated the grief associated with receiving that diagnosis. Okay. Um, [00:05:00] so first of all, we spoke with, um, a neonatologist. The day we found out, and she had some words of advice and some words of caution for us. She advised that we. As quickly as possible, call people that were close to us and who loved us, um, to tell them the news because she said from experience, from learning from other parents, it would probably get harder to talk about.

And she was absolutely right. She also cautioned us that a diagnosis like this could break our family if we were not careful, if we didn't put in effort, um, as a couple and with our daughter. And then she, she said that there, there are, she cautioned us from Googling because a lot of times only the worst outcomes are on the internet.

And she shared a lot of really positive stories with us of people living with our sons condition who were turning 40. And she, she said a lot of people. With this heart condition can live a fairly normal life. So she gave us hope and she was also very real with us and said, you could spontaneously lose a child at the age of seven or at any time, really.

Um, so that was, it was a really real. Raw, difficult conversation that we had with her, but later that day we, we called family members. We had conversations with our siblings and other people who were close with us and cried all day long and for days, but we were able to process his diagnosis because we had people to process with.

As we had conversations with people explaining the condition over and over again, really helped me to understand it and to come to terms with it and expressing my deep sadness as hard as it was, and as emotionally taxing as it was really helped to process the news and think about how our expectations for our little family would be different.

We, we know that a lot of kids with complex heart conditions have other. Medical complexities on top of it, and so we didn't really know what to expect and so we just were prepared to take whatever came at us at this point. And Caitlin, I know that your husband works in healthcare, but did you have any kind of medical background prior to this experience?

No, I, I, I don't have a medical background. I took a few pre-nursing classes and I think that really helped me to be health literate. I could follow what the doctors and nurses were saying, especially thanks to medical terminology class. But I don't have a medical background. And William, he works in healthcare, but he's purely administrative.

So while he's surrounded by a lot of, um, medical terminology and he knows a lot about what's happening behind the scenes, um, he doesn't do anything clinical. Okay. The reason that I wanted to ask that question is because I think that that is something I've, I've looked at a few friends of mine who have had.

Have had medical issues and. These friends of mine, a couple of them are nurses, and I'm like, oh, of course. Like that makes sense. That would work for you and you would be really good at it. And then I think, well, what would I do if it were me? Because I know absolutely nothing. And so I am so impressed, like anytime that I see somebody that is not a nurse or not medically trained, caring for a child, um, that has complex medical needs, I think.

Hats off to you for figuring out how to navigate it all for being able to handle it, but I wondered what would you say to other parents who may be facing a medical diagnosis of a child, but feel very ill-equipped to handle that challenge? Did you feel that way? Yes, I did. I, it's so daunting to think about what it may be like to take care of a child with specific health needs.

Um, imagining what it may be like to be in a hospital frequently or for long periods of time. Grappling with the possibility of losing a child or frequent surgeries and, and sibling relationships as well, and how, how the, how, um, the health of the sick child would impact the siblings. It's, it's really scary to think about, but, um, there, there are people who want you to succeed.

The medical professionals who take care of your kids, they want you to succeed. There are programs and [00:10:00] nonprofit organizations out there that help families with all sorts of things and even provide services for the siblings to help the siblings to feel the spotlight on them in positive ways. If a parent is feeling overwhelmed by what might be coming with a medically complex child.

Finding a community is really important. I. Yeah, talk to me about that. How did you find resources and community that was helpful and how did that help you come to terms with what you knew lay ahead for your family and also what felt very unknown, I'm sure as well. Um, well first of all, I'm not really a big social media person, but I have valued Facebook groups so much.

The first I joined a Facebook group. That was specific to Matthew's heart condition, and I met people who lived nearby who were really helpful. I. Helping me understand and helping me learn what outcomes I could potentially expect. And then when Matthew was in the hospital, I, through Facebook, through that same Facebook group, I met a friend who was also in the hospital with her son with the same heart condition.

And she's one of my best friends now. And yeah, I'm really grateful that I. Entered that community. It's been really helpful. I have a huge group of heart mom friends from Minnesota that I, I still get together with every year. It's a lot of fun and it's really rewarding and it's really, it's really great to have a support group.

You know, to me that's the way social media was intended to be used. You know, it wasn't intended to be something where you connect with a bunch of. Faceless people online. It wasn't intended to be something where you stay behind the computer. I think that's like social media at its best. I'm sure as you faced all of this, I think anybody that has ever been pregnant knows how anything that fails remotely.

Scary. It's like your mind just jumps to every possible outcome. And so I wondered, did you feel afraid during your pregnancy? And if so, how did you handle fear? I was so afraid. I. First of all, like I said, we didn't know if he would be eligible for any of the surgeries. We didn't know how surgery would go.

Of course, it's a big risk having open heart surgery at any time, let alone six days old and I. Um, his, his heart, we knew all along his heart can't be fixed by the surgeries. They were able to like re plum his heart. They've, his heart pumps blood through his body differently. It's, it's not the way that it's meant to be.

And so it's very common for people with this heart condition to need a transplant at some point. And that can vary. It all just depends on how the heart does. But, um, we, we were so afraid with not knowing what to expect. Something could go wrong at any time in his life, but then Easter happened. Before Matthew was born, we celebrated Easter and never ever have I loved that holiday more because we have the hope of our savior who was resurrected, and because of him we will be resurrected into a perfect body one day.

And even though I had had grandparents pass away and even people distant from me that had had died untimely deaths. With it being my own child, I had never been so grateful for the resurrection that we all have to look forward to. And, and even though I was afraid, that gave me a lot of hope and um, comfort because one day it would all be okay, even if it was not in this life.

So beautifully said. I think Caitlin, it's really easy in situations like yours to ask. A number of questions that I admit I've been guilty of many times and I've never been through what you've been through, but why me? Why us? We are a young family that's trying to do what's right. Why is this happening to us?

I wonder, did you guys face those questions, and if so, how did you navigate them? And then what advice would you have for [00:15:00] others who might feel they're going through something that they don't deserve? Yes, so we definitely asked why us? Why is this happening? We are trying to do what we can to raise a happy, healthy family, and.

We definitely had those thoughts. I think it's very natural, um, when something scary and unknown is happening to wonder why. But, um, I was talking with a heart mom friend and she said what helped her the most was the question that came to her mind once, why not me? Nothing is guaranteed to anyone. We've been told countless times, we know that life is meant to be, um, full of challenges and it's made to test us.

So if it's not gonna be this trial, it will be something else. So when I think of others who may be wondering the same thing, why me? Um, no, I, I could just maybe say to them, nothing in life is guaranteed. Sometimes in life we feel that we deserve certain blessings or we should be spared from certain trials.

But a conference talk from Elder Holland also really helps me to think about this question. Elder Holland talks about one's life cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free. It simply will not work to glide naively through life saying as we sip another glass of lemonade. Lord, give me all thy choices, virtues, but be certain not to give me grief, nor sorrow, nor pain, nor opposition.

And then when the rough sledding by everyone else is over, please let me come and dwell with thee where I can boast about how similar our strengths and our characters are as I float along my cloud of comfortable Christianity. I like what Elder Holland says here, because Jesus Christ suffered so much and we can't expect to be like him unless we've felt a small part of the suffering that he has.

Yeah, no, that reminds me. I was just talking to my father-in-law this past week and we were talking about the difference between. Faith and trust, and it's something I had never really thought about. He said, you know, faith, really, like we say, faith is a verb, faith is action, but he is like, faith really is a noun.

Trust is the verb. Trust is when you have to put that faith. To the test or when that faith is tested. And so he gave this great example that I had never heard of, where it was somebody like walking a tightrope, this man that walked a tightrope and all these crowds were cheering for him and. He would like make the distance longer every time.

And they would cheer him and encourage him to keep going and, and then he was like, should I do this? And the crowds were cheering. And then he said, well, what if I push a wheelbarrow? Like, would you get in? Along this tight rope and immediately, you know, it's like a very different situation. And I think that sometimes is the way that it feels with the Lord.

And like our hard things, it's like it's easy to believe to the point that we have to get in the wheelbarrow. And that seems like the unpleasant thing. The thing that we are scared of, the thing that we don't expect and. That is trust in the Lord. And so first of all, I just wanna say I appreciated so much preparing for this interview because I feel like you are such a great example of placing trust in God and letting His will be done no matter what the outcome was going to be.

And that is true, true trust. I wondered, Caitlin, after Matthew was born, he was in the hospital for over six months, and I'm sure you as a mom wanted to be with him all the time, but you also have had an a little girl who needed you at home and you wrote that you dealt with guilt. That's no doubt, normal.

And I think it's common in women no matter what the situation, like all of us are so hard on ourselves as women and as mothers. So what was helpful to you in maintaining a healthy perspective as you were kind of torn and, and wanted to be in both places? I'm sure. Yes, mom. Guilt definitely [00:20:00] hits all of us no matter our situation.

We want to give our kids the world. One nurse strongly suggested to me the day after Matthew was born to go home and sleep and come back feeling as well rested as I could, and it was hard, but I. She was kind of firm with me. I don't think they always are, but. I, I did it and I was very grateful that I kind of put that boundary in place.

That sounds terrible, to put a boundary to not be with my son, but it was really good for me to be able to be super present when I was there with him. Then I could give my two and a half year old the attention that she needed because she was also going through a very confusing time. She knew we had a baby, but where was he and where were her parents half of the time?

And for us, it really worked. I did not spend a night in the hospital for about six months until he was about ready to come home and we had to do it. And I know that doesn't work for everybody. It. That's what worked for me and for my family, and there's countless different ways to handle this situation, but the trick is finding what works for you, what you feel comfortable with, and trying to feel as the smallest amount of guilt as possible, which is really hard, but we just do the best we can and letting go of the guilt.

It's hard, but you have to be able to forgive yourself and it, it helped me to feel better when I, when I was able to forgive myself for not being able to be Superwoman. I think it, it went as smoothly as it could have actually. Well, and I think the point that you made about, you know, you have to do what works for you.

I think it's so easy to compare in countless situations in life, but we look at other people and it's like, oh, well they're doing this. You know, I, I should be able to do this. So I think like the ability to recognize and acknowledge everybody handles things differently. What's good for you may be different than what's good for me and.

And then moving forward with confidence that you're doing the best thing for yourself, I think is, that's like so wise. Kaitlin, what did it mean when you were finally able to bring Matthew home? I imagine you probably didn't know if that would ever happen. Yeah. There were times in the hospital where we almost lost him.

He ended up having both his first and his second open heart surgery while he was. There because he just couldn't figure out how to breathe on his own. Bringing him home was a small victory, but it also came at a huge cost because we could only bring him home from the hospital, trached and vented, and with a nurse that was in our home.

Four seven. And so while it was wonderful to not have to drive back and forth to the hospital, his bedroom was his own little hospital room. He had tons of beeping machines in there and a nurse to take care of him, which was huge blessing and also very difficult. But we also knew that him being home would just really help him.

To thrive better, and it totally did. He had serious fomo when he knew that, um, my husband and my daughter and I were doing something without him, he would just cry and cry and cry, and the nurse would bring him downstairs and he would be happy. And he loved being home and he healed. Much quicker at home than he did at the hospital.

We were able to take his trach out after about nine months of him being home, where we thought it might take two to three years. And so having him home, it really was so amazing. We brought him home right before Christmas and that was the best Christmas present I could have asked for. Yeah, there was. It was so nice to be able to just.

Go across the hall to his room, and Lucy loved having him home. She would peel off, she was three at this point, and she would peel off the stickers from. Some of his medical equipment and put him all over his body. She just loved it. It was so adorable to see her be a big sister. She only met him three times while he was in the hospital, and so finally to have our ham, our family together, it was really nice feeling.

I [00:25:00] can only imagine. And that's so precious her, her putting the stickers on. I imagine that there have been many people who have sought to provide comfort to your family. I wondered what have you learned about what it, what's helpful to say to someone that's dealing with something hard that they may not understand?

Yeah, there were so many people who helped in so many ways taking care of Lucy and providing meals. Uh, my parents and my husband, William's parents helped us so much. Um, especially my mom. She flew to Minnesota almost every week to be with our daughter for a few days. Um, and my husband's parents flew out many times to help as well, and they helped us emotionally and we, we could not have done it without our parents.

We probably would have been drowning in a sea of depression without their support and just being there to talk to, um, the question of what to say or maybe what not to say to people who are going through hard things. Is an interesting question because there are probably different opinions on these things, and if you've never gone through something pretty traumatic, you may have no idea that what you're saying could potentially be offensive.

But some of the things that people said that we're so helpful was, I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I could take this away from you. I'm here even though I don't know what to say or I can't make it better. I will always be here. It was so helpful when people acknowledged that it was hard and that they were here to help.

DoorDash was always a good way to help. Food is never bad. We, we were fed a lot and it was so, so helpful. Some things that were really difficult to swallow that people would say were, let me know what I can do to help, because I was not in a head space to think of what I needed. That's, that's just a tricky one, and then it's.

I'm a lot better now at at letting people know, but it took a lot of practice. It takes, it's really easy to help others, but to ask for help is really hard. That's a tricky thing about our culture. But that was tricky because I'm not gonna, I don't know, I just couldn't say, well, I need this. Another thing that was tricky is when people would say, you are so strong.

Because I did not feel it. I did not feel strong. I was barely getting by for a month. And when people would say things like, I couldn't do it, I would think, well, well then what would you or a child just die? Would you, what would what? Yes. You could do it because you would have to. Yeah, you would find a way you.

When, yeah, when people would say, I couldn't do it. I just thought, well, you know, I can't either. So you and me both. And then some people, when I would talk to about a hard day at the hospital, they would say, oh, well, at least he was able to do such and such, or at least this didn't happen. And that was really hard because I felt like I wasn't being heard.

What I was going through wasn't being acknowledged. It just was kind of, oh, well, it could be worse. And that was, and then you feel like, oh man, should I be being more positive about this? Like, should I feel guilty for what I just told you? Which yes, not, yeah, that was tricky. But a lot of people believe everything happens for a reason, some people don't, and even people who do believe everything happens for a reason are allowed to feel sad or mad about something that is happening.

There's a book, I'm sure you've heard of it. I. Read years ago, um, by Kate Bowler. Uh, everything happens for a reason. And other lies I've loved, I've mentioned it many times on this podcast. She worked, uh, at Duke Divinity School, and so she's very religious, but she's like. Like the whole book, the message of the book is, you know, sometimes we just want somebody to be there for us and to hear us.

We don't need you to tell us that everything happens for a reason. And I think that that is so true. I also, I love what you said about, let me know if there's anything I can do. I have grown to appreciate so much people that recognize what it is they can do. Like people that [00:30:00] know I'm a good cook, I can easily bring a meal.

Or people that know I'm not a very good cook, I can send DoorDash or people that are like, you know, I as a new mom, there have been a few people who are like, let me just come over and hold your baby while you take a nap. And it's like, do you know how much a new mom appreciates that? And so I think that people that know in terms of service, what they have to offer and what they have to give, and then just give that rather than asking like, I.

Let me know what I can do. Yes, of course. I think that is a very admirable trait. Yeah. I had a friend in the ward, she had no idea what to do. This was before Matthew was even born. It was after we had just told everybody, um, about his heart condition. Um, she had her three little kids just write positive things on paper and draw little pictures, and she just put it in a bag on my front porch with some chocolates and it was.

Probably one of my favorite things that anybody did because she had no idea what to do, but she just did something. Yeah. And it made me feel really loved and looked out for. That's so sweet. And I think all of those are are great points. So I appreciate you sharing that. It is very clear in reading the blog that you just updated for friends and family about this experience that like many medical journeys, this has been a roller coaster of highs and lows.

What would you say Caitlin has gotten you through the hardest times? There have been many highs and lows while he was in the hospital and even, even in the years since. But I, I do remember, uh, it was while he was still in the hospital, I started listening to all of President Nelson's talks that he had given, um, in his time as an apostle starting at the oldest.

And it was so amazing to listen to a heart surgeon. Talking about, um, all of these wonderful things that we believe in and giving guidance and comfort. He has a knowledge and a fascination with the human body. That was really comforting to me because he knows the ins and outs of the cardiovascular system and.

He, he talks about it a lot in his general conference talks throughout, through the years, and he was so comforting to me during that time because I just felt that he knew what I was going through a lot deeper than an average person and even more than the rest of the, um, leaders of the church because he's a, he's a heart surgeon.

That was a really big thing that helped me through the hard times and still does. I mentioned before, I have a group of friends all who have heart babies. They are a huge comfort to me. We are texting almost every day. Someone has something that their kid did that was funny, or they have a question about a weird behavior or someone's sick and we're all praying for 'em, but they're.

They're really helpful and also through this experience from the day that the neonatologist told us that we needed to treat our, um, relationship with care or I could crumble beneath us. My husband and I have gotten really good about talking about everything, really. Um, learning how to communicate. My feelings and to recognize my feelings for one, has been a learning curve for me.

But, um, getting through the hard times has been a lot easier with a supportive partner who wants me to succeed and wants our family to be happy and healthy. Well, I'll ask you, I, I wanted to ask you about. Growth that you've seen in yourself and in your husband, and you mentioned together as a couple that you've seen that growth.

But I wondered how have you seen kind of the two of you as individuals and, and then as a family grow through this experience? I would say probably the biggest thing that we have learned and are still learning through this is everybody is going through hard things. You may not be able to see on the surface what it is.

I remember on more than one occasion, somebody would ask how I was doing and I lied through my teeth and said, we're doing okay, and we were not doing okay. We really were barely surviving for month, [00:35:00] but through going through something so hard. Uh, and meeting a lot of people with medical e com medically complex children that were also going through hard things.

And in having conversations with people who were trying to, um, relate with us, we learned of a lot of hard things that people were going through, and I think it helped us to develop more empathy towards. Anybody that we meet in our lives because people all have difficult trials, hard things that they have to deal with, relationships that they're trying to mend.

And I had so many people say, I couldn't do that. That is so hard. I. I, I realized that hard is hard. It doesn't matter if you, your child or your loved one is in the hospital for two weeks or two months, or two years. I. It doesn't matter the severity of a heart condition or any type of medical diagnosis, but people go through really hard things and I don't feel the need to compare my heart to someone else's heart.

And I hope that I can let other people who don't feel like their heart is as hard as my heart to feel like it's not valid because hard is hard. That's one thing I've learned. My husband and I also feel that we have a different perspective. A different outlook on life because we try to not take the wonderful moments we have for granted.

I remember before having kids, people would say, oh, it's so hard. Most of the time it's just really hard. And then you have small moments where it makes it all worth it. But I, I think that most of the time it's pretty good. And there's some moments where it's really terrible, but most of the time little kids are adorable and fun and it's amazing to watch them learn and grow and.

We think it's magical to see the world through our kids' eyes, but we're grateful that we have a different perspective on life and we try to enjoy the little things. I have seen growth in my husband as well. He's always been a very empathetic person who's really good at talking about feelings and helping me work through my feelings.

He's really good at that and. He's, he's gotten even better through all of this, and he is become even more patient than he was before. But I think going through hard things, if you let it change you, I mean, it'll change you no matter what, but if you, I. Try and focus what you want to get better at, um, then you can see really good growth in yourself and it life's gonna pass by no matter what.

So you might as well let the hard situations help you to become more of what you wanna be. Very, very well said. Your youngest son, so since Matthew, you have a, a third child and he also faces risks of heart issues. How have you dealt with the uncertainty of what you might face ahead with him already now knowing what you've been through with Matthew?

Because now it's more known. Unknown versus completely unknown. Yes. Well, this is a whole nother story, but for whatever reason, any couple who has a heart baby has an increased risk of having another one. Now there's a one in a hundred chance of any pregnancy to be a heart baby. After the first, the, the risk goes up to about 5%, so it's still pretty low.

My husband and I decided to take the risk. It took us a while actually, but we decided to try for a third, and after I was pregnant and speaking with Matthew's cardiologist about it and told him, we knew the risks were a little higher. He gave me the worst news. He said, well, actually, because of the way exactly that Matthew's heart was formed, because it was the aortic valve that was the problem.

You guys have an 8% chance of having another baby with the same condition and a 25% chance of having a baby with any heart condition. And in that moment I just knew it that Thomas was gonna have a heart condition, and he does. It's very different. He has a narrow aortic valve, and so he needed to have a procedure done when he was one day old, but it's been over a year since [00:40:00] that, and he's doing well.

He'll probably need a valve replacement at one point in his life, but he is at a very, um, he's at the very opposite end of the spectrum in terms of severity for heart conditions, so. After having gone through all of the craziness with Matthew Thomas feels like very different in a good way. He almost seems like a completely normal baby, which is probably unfair because he has a heart condition too.

But with the perspective of having dealt with much more severe and scary situations, it seems like a breeze. Caitlin, when your family's medical journey, you know that there's more that lies ahead. And actually I should ask, what is the latest with Matthew's Health, and what do you anticipate going through in the future?

Oh yeah. So Matthew had his third open heart surgery over the summer, and so his heart surgeries are technically complete until. One day, whenever it is, his heart starts to feel the strain of. The right side of his heart now, which is meant to only pump as far as the lungs. It pumps blood to his whole body.

And so as he's small, it's less of a problem, but as he grows, the strain could become too much for his heart and it'll probably be gradual. But heart failure is very common, and liver issues are also common, and a transplant is pretty much the next step whenever that is. So for now he's doing okay. He, he does still have some breathing issues that we're trying to work through.

He has less energy than other kids because his blood mixes, his oxygenated blood from his lungs mixes with deoxygenated blood from his body. And so he will just always have a little bit of a lower energy than all the kids around him. And unfortunately, I think he's starting to notice. There was a little boy who ran to his dad after preschool and he just can't run like that.

And he gets, he gets winded easily if he walks up a flight or two of stairs and if he's jumping around on the bed. So we see the difference in him versus other kids, and he takes multiple medications every day. His journey is definitely far from over, but for now he is in a stable place. He is learning really well, and he is, he is a really sweet kid, honestly, and so we're, we're really lucky to have him.

So with all of that in mind, how do you keep yourself kind of living in the present versus constantly thinking about what lies ahead? Because I think that would be so hard for me. Truly, it is really hard, like when he will talk about what he wants to be when he grows up. My mind instantly thinks, well, I don't know if you can be a pilot buddy, that's probably not in your cards, which I'm not gonna say to him at this point in his life, but he talks about wanting to be a dad when he grows up, and my heart just breaks because it's a possibility, but it also maybe might not happen, which it's, it's so hard to live thinking these things all the time of what he might miss out on.

We try and stay in the present and help him to live a happy life and to be involved in fun things and have play dates with friends. Matthew's health condition is something that we're just so used to at this point. Occasionally we miss his morning meds, but other than that, we're, we're used to. His setbacks we're used to.

His appointments, and it doesn't seem like a burden anymore because it's just part of his life and we hope that it's a beautiful part of his life. We hope his scars are something that he's proud of and that his story is something that he doesn't shy away from. There are lots of people who have experienced difficult things in life, and it just makes them part of who he is.

He doesn't know any different, so for him it's just a part of who he is, and so we, we just try and treat him as normally as possible. Right. Well, and I think for [00:45:00] what it's worth with what you said about I. It's hard not to think about the things that he'll miss out on. I think talking to you, I'm like, what a lucky kid to get to have the family that he has and the parents that he has.

So anyway, I just admire you so much. I, my last question for you is the same question we ask at the end of every episode of this podcast, and that is, what does it mean to you to be all in the gospel of Jesus Christ? I love that this is the premise of the podcast. It's been really fun to listen to so many episodes of people's stories and having them say what the gospel means to them, what it means to be all in.

I love that term because I don't think that the gospel, that being a covenant keeping member of the church of Jesus Christ, it, I don't think that it's a wishy-washy situation. I think it's really important to. Treat your covenants with respect. I think it's really important to try and better ourselves every day.

I love that President Nelson talks about daily repentance. I love all of his catch phrases to try and think celestial and just let the gospel permeate every part of your being. I am certainly not perfect. I'm a work in progress and I am so grateful that despite all of my flaws, I know that my savior loves me deeply and will help me succeed even when I've made the same mistake over and over again.

I'm so grateful for everything the gospel brings to my life and my family. I hope I can do a good job teaching my children and that they'll feel the love of their savior and have a desire to make covenants with him. I want to be all in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I. For my whole life. I think it also means to roll with the ebbs and flows of life and being patient with yourself, recognizing that there's a different seasons of life and different times when you can sit down and read the scriptures for 20 minutes, and other times when listening in the car for five minutes on your way to drop the kids off at school is perfectly acceptable.

I think as long as I try. Do something to be close to my savior every day. I think that's how I can be all in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love that I. Appreciate that. That feels like you're talking to me. So thank you so much, Caitlin, for your example and for your testimony and just rooting for your family.

So thank you very much. Thank you, Morgan. It's been a pleasure.

We are so grateful to Caitlin Bekker for joining us on today's episode. As always, thanks to Derek Campbell of Mix at 6 Studios for his help, and thank you so much for listening. We'll look forward to being with you again next week.