I think it’s safe to say that all grandparents want to have meaningful relationships with their grandkids. Here are six tips for deepening your connection to grandkids of all ages.
1. Help Them Drain Their Swamp
First, I think it’s important to be intentional about when we give advice and when we just listen.
A friend of mine says, “I intentionally choose when to lean into a discussion with my grandkids about a problem they may have with their parents, classmates, or a teacher and when it’s better just to bite my tongue. It’s not about making big waves by getting my two cents in, but instead about making things better by helping drain their swamp.”
Teenagers, in particular, get so much advice these days they tend to shut down when it seems like they are being told what to do from one more source—even, perhaps especially, when “it’s for your own good.”
Instead, we can put down all that extra baggage that goes with guilt trips—all the things we learned “when I was your age”—and listen. That is truly a gift all of us crave.
2. Show Your Warts
My friend Connie Sandvik has always liked the television show America’s Funniest Videos because it shows real people doing ordinary things that didn’t work out as expected. She could relate to so many situations and people. So, she began making her own videos of ordinary situations and sending them to her grandchildren. When something went wrong—she spilled milk, or a cake didn’t turn out the way it looked in the cookbook—she made a short video with a few voice-over comments and sent it to her grandkids.
“My grandchildren thoroughly enjoy these videos. They see me in a different light: authentic, real, warts and all. I think it helps them to shrug off their own mistakes, diminish some of their stress, and not feel like they have to be perfect all the time.”
3. Don’t Underestimate Asking for Help
“After I helped my Grampy figure out how to do PowerPoint, we became buddies,” says 17-year-old Greyson. “He needed help; I knew how to help him. From then on, he became easier to talk to. He seemed more relatable.”
A Stanford University-sponsored study reported that the way to influence others is facilitated by three conditions:
- Sincerity of the requestor
- Clear need
- Help can be provided
After providing such help, a sense of equality and common purpose is established. At that point, others are then more open to hearing what we might have to say about various things.
4. Share Stories of When Life Didn’t Go Well
When I was a 10-year-old boy, I got in trouble for pulling a prank on my neighbor. My dad didn’t punish me; instead, he made me apologize to my neighbor by myself and then work to repay the damage I had caused.
My grandchildren like that story, and others like it, about when I got in trouble or encountered disappointment in school or sports. They ask me detailed questions. And they seem encouraged to share their own disappointments, concerns, or worries more freely. My stories “prime the pump” for them to share their own experiences.
When they do share, I try to ask only what and how questions, such as: “How did you feel? What did you do next?” and acknowledge their thoughts and feelings rather than jumping in and telling them what I would do. This way, we try to solve problems together, exploring options rather than landing on solutions. We don’t always find a solution, but it seems to help our relationship, as well as help them work out new approaches to common problems and situations.
5. Listen to Some of Their Music
Listening to new music might take a little getting used to, but generations can connect in unique ways through music. From nursery rhymes and singalongs for younger children to pop music for older ones, music both creates a bridge and becomes a conversation starter. Ask your grandchildren: “What’s that song about? What’s its message? What makes it relatable for you?”
6. Look at Family Photos Together
Researchers at Brigham Young University have found that learning about ancestors can help the rising generation feel more rooted, deal better with stress, and boost self-esteem. It also increases their own internal sense of being in control, of being able “to act for themselves and not be acted upon” (2 Nephi 2:26). One fun way we learn about ancestors is by looking at pictures.
At a family gathering, I showed my grandchildren old photos of their great-grandfather, who was a soldier in World War I in France, and told them stories about him. For example, because he had never smoked, he had a keen sense of smell. Consequently, when there was a whiff of mustard gas in the air, he let others know when to put on their gas masks.
My 14-year-old grandson Everrett was full of questions when talking about these photos. His questions opened other topics as I read from his great-grandfather’s journal and relayed other stories.
I saw how sharing personal and family histories was doing more to fulfill Elijah’s prophecy to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of children to their fathers than almost any other activity.
Do Something
Many different actions and activities can foster a connection between grandparents and grandkids. But what doesn’t seem to matter as much as how. How we listen, how we relate, how we share what we have is more important than what we may buy, give, or send. Doing something, anything, matters more than fretting so much about doing the perfect thing that you do nothing.
Studies show that when grandparents get involved, participate, and engage with their grandchildren—not simply watch from a distance or throw bouquets from the sidelines—everyone benefits. Grandchildren feel less stress, have a greater sense of identity, and demonstrate better-than-average social skills. Grandparents feel a sense of purpose and even have better brain health. So, what are you waiting for? Get in on the action!
Find more articles on parenting and the influence of grandparents in the links below.
▶ What I’ll never forget about my grandparents’ loving reaction when I chose to join the Church
▶ Wondering how to help loved ones see the wonder and majesty of the gospel? Start here
▶ 3 things parents can do to help kids be excited about marriage
▶ 6 spiritual questions your teens are sincerely asking—and how to answer them
