5 practical helps for when your child steps away from church (from a parent who’s been there)

Melinda Wheelright Brown, author of Eve and Adam, is familiar with the complicated feelings surrounding a child stepping away from the Church. On a recent episode of the Magnify podcast, she shared five ideas that she believes can help parents in similar situations love freely and move forward.

Melinda and her husband were with their youngest daughter at their kitchen table when she told them she was stepping away from the Church. Her daughter was a junior in high school and would only be in their home for about 14 more months.

In the weeks following that conversation, Melinda and her husband thought about what to do and realized it would be important to “play the long game” with their daughter. In other words, they were not going to try to push her back into the Church quickly before she left home. Instead, they focused on making it “crystal clear” that they loved her and wanted a relationship with her—no matter what.

“If we lose access to her, we will lose influence,” Melinda explains. She went on to share that her sister also stepped away as a young adult, and for the last 40 years, their family has learned “unbelievable amounts from her” about Christlike love.

“I think her example really influenced how our little family saw [that] this isn’t something to resolve in a few weeks or a few months. It’s fine if it takes years. We’ll get there, and we’ll all be better for the experience,” Melinda says. “And that has absolutely been true. We have learned so much better how to love well through both my sister, my daughter, [and] everyone else that we learned from.

“We’re all playing a long game. Nobody needs to have a short-game mentality.… Every individual is unique and worth loving, and I really trust that you can figure out the path through.”

Something else Melinda has found helpful is highlighting all that her daughter does well.

“I’ve really tried to make a conscious effort to see Christlike attributes and then label them and call them out,” Melinda says. “I don’t always call them Christlike attributes to her, but I might say, ‘Oh, your generosity is phenomenal. I learned so much from watching how you share with your friends and the people around you. You are a gift.’”

Melinda also makes a point of listening attentively. Doing so helps her praise the common values she sees in action in her daughter’s life.

While it isn’t always easy, Melinda strives to be happy and act normal around her daughter. She purposefully communicates that her daughter is not a perpetual disappointment.

“And at the beginning, [my daughter] would often say, ‘I know you’re disappointed with me.’ And we would say, ‘Sweetie, we’re working through these things just like you are, and we adore you and we love you. We’ll get through it. Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out,’” Melinda says.

“And it was so calming. I could tell [that] even though she was being defensive at first and pushing back a bit, it was calming to her to see that we were calm.”

Melinda says she didn’t always feel calm inside, but she was committed to maintaining normalcy. And with practice, things got easier.

“Within a few more months, I was able to talk really comfortably about it, and if someone would bring up a similar story that was devastating them, I’d say, ‘Oh, we have that happening in our family. You know what? It really is going to be okay. You’ll get through this. You can do this. …Keep loving. Love more!’” Melinda says.

We often use words such as “lost,” “left,” and “strayed” when describing those who have stepped away from the Church. But those terms can be hurtful.

“I do think the words really, really do matter. Stray, in my opinion, is a horrible word because it reminds me of a stray cat that’s unwanted, unloved, unrecognized, a burden, a nuisance. Let’s just abolish that language,” Melinda says.

Melinda also points out that the wrong words can become a barrier to people ever re-entering the Church. The way we speak may unintentionally create walls between us and our loved ones. Instead, we can focus on language that unites and welcomes.

Melinda prefers to refer to her daughter as their “adventurer.” She also loves the line “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it” from the beloved hymn “Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing.”

“We are all prone to wander. As long as we recognize that we, too, are wandering, then that’s a safe [word]. But … we talk about her beating her own path, finding a unique way.

“If you spread out … a huge map, there are a million ways to get from point A to point B.

“Even on your phone, you take a wrong turn, and [it] redirects. It’s, like, five seconds before there’s a new way for you to go. I think that’s a helpful metaphor for us to appreciate that there are lots and lots of paths, and they’re all learning paths.”

Melinda gained strength and new ideas from opening up about her experience to others.

“One of my closest friends said frequently, ‘You just got to stay by the tree and look happy. Don’t stand there crying, look happy.’ And that got me through so many rough little patches,” she says.

Melinda also finds that open conversation removes any embarrassment or guilt parents might feel. Acknowledging that no family is perfect is healing.

“If the goal is less judgment, then these sorts of discussions are phenomenally helpful,” she says. “Every individual is different, every story is unique, everybody learns something, and I just think if we could compile all of our thoughts and what we’ve learned, we could actually make a fabulous sort of ‘cheat sheet’ of ways to get through the hard moments, because they still come. … We really gain so much strength as we lean on each other and … share just simple ideas.”

You can listen to the full episode of the Magnify podcast on all major streaming platforms. Learn more about Magnify on their website or on Instagram @magnifycommunity.

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