As disciples of Jesus Christ, we covenant to “bear one another’s burdens, … mourn with those that mourn; … comfort those that stand in need of comfort, … [and] stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18:8–9). And in a world filled with challenges and complexity, we need this Christlike support and community more than ever.
But when tragedy strikes or a loved one faces a thorny question or issue, it can be difficult to know how to respond—let alone find the right things to say to bring someone peace or clarity. Here are four things to keep in mind when you don’t know all the answers.
1. Acknowledge Their Pain
Whether someone is struggling with their faith or grappling with grief, the last thing they usually want is unsolicited advice. Often, what they truly need is someone to witness their suffering and be present with them in their pain or uncertainty.
Showing up like this is no easy feat—it’s human nature to look for quick fixes or easy answers. But trying to address discomfort with trite phrases or blanket statements often just makes someone feel worse. As author and medical oncologist Dr. Tyler Johnson said about conversations around difficult chapters in Church history:
“To pretend that there are easy answers is to pretend that the pain in the body of Christ is not there—it’s effectively to ignore that part of both the historical and contemporary wound. And so I think that recognizing that some questions do not have easy or straightforward answers is really important.”
While there can be a time and a place for seeking or sharing solutions, it’s important to focus first on loving and supporting the person where they are. As Sister Tamara W. Runia suggested in the October 2023 general conference, “Sometimes what we need is empathy more than advice; listening more than a lecture; someone who hears and wonders, ‘How would I have to feel to say what they just said?’”
2. Sometimes the Answer is Another Question
The way that the Lord helps us work through issues can be a model for helping others with their questions. Consider what Elder David A. Bednar said about going to the temple to seek an answer to a question:
“Sometimes the answer [we receive] is not a solution. Sometimes the answer to our concern is an additional question. And when we come out of the house of the Lord, we take that new question into our homes, into our scripture study, into our prayers, into our conversation with other family members.”
This concept helps us understand that working through an issue is a process. It’s unrealistic to expect that we can address a difficult concern in only one conversation. Just as God wants us to learn from our experiences, we should respect our loved ones’ agency and help them discover answers for themselves over time.
Rather than trying to share a solution, it can sometimes be more helpful to pose a question and brainstorm ideas together or help the person solve the issue on their own. You might try saying something like:
- “That is really difficult. What do you think will help you the most right now?”
- “I know you will figure out the best way to move through this. What feels like the next best step?”
- “There aren’t any easy answers here, but I’m here with you no matter what. Have you thought about [different perspective or idea]?”
Another approach you can try is asking your loved one directly what they need, using phrases like:
- “How can I best support you during this time?”
- “Is there anything I can do to help make things feel easier right now?”
- “Do you want me to share my experiences with this or just listen?”
▶You may also like: What to say to help your missionary through a hard time
3. We Don’t Need to Debate or Defend Doctrine
When someone asks a complex question or confides a difficult emotion, our first inclination can be to jump to the defense or find an explanation. But this response often stirs contention, leading to feelings of invalidation and frustration.
In a keynote address at Utah Valley University, Sister Wendy Watson Nelson suggested that contention starts with denying someone else’s experience or viewpoint:
“[When] one person says or implies, ‘You are wrong and must change your view,’ when we force our ideas on others, or insist that they must think or believe or vote or behave like we do, that is emotional violence. And emotional violence is the breeding ground for contention.”
Instead, Sister Nelson invited people to replace contention with love, quoting researcher Humberto Maturana’s definition: “Love is opening space for the existence of another.”
As we make space for our loved one’s experience, we can share doctrine as prompted by the Spirit. But it’s essential that if we do so, we come from a place of love and respect. Speaking about helping young adults navigate complex faith questions, Dr. Johnson said:
“[Sometimes] we’re so much in a rush to present the ‘court case’ defense that we neglect the fact that this concern is coming from a place of deep goodness, which offers us a mutually shared starting point so that we can then move together toward a place of healing.”
After we have established common ground, any doctrinal discussions should be straightforward and loving—not contentious or defensive. Thankfully, as Elder Bednar has suggested, “In the simplicity of the doctrine, there’s nothing to defend. It stands for itself. Others may choose to reject it, but our responsibility is to declare it [and] do our best to explain it.”
4. It’s OK to Admit You Don’t Know the Answer
We may not learn all the answers to difficult questions in this life—but having faith is a vital part of the purpose of mortality. So, we shouldn’t expect ourselves to be all-knowing or get frustrated when we can’t seem to find a resolution.
Even the prophet doesn’t have all the answers. As Sheri Dew wrote about a conversation she once had with President Russell M. Nelson:
“I asked President Nelson one of the questions I’d been pondering. He answered quickly and without apology. ‘I don’t know the answer to that, Sheri. What I do know is that what the Lord has in store for those who make and keep these covenants with Him goes far beyond what we can comprehend right now.’”
Notice that immediately after President Nelson acknowledged what he didn’t know, he testified of what he did know. This pattern mirrors that of many prophets in the scriptures.
For example, when an angel asked him a question to which he didn’t know the answer, Nephi declared: “I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Nephi 11:17).
As we focus on the knowledge we do have, we can assure ourselves and others of God’s trustworthiness. We invite the Spirit and make room to learn more in God’s timing.
And while we may not discover all the answers during our time on Earth, we can trust that God loves us and has an eternal plan for our good. As we help others around us, He can help give us the words to say (see Helaman 5:18 and Mark 13:11).
For more ideas about helping a loved one with difficult questions, check out the articles below:
▶ ‘When Church Is Hard’ author on helping young adults navigate complex faith questions
▶ Weave strong relationships with children who question or leave the Church with these practical steps
▶ How to find the answer to any life question in the scriptures
When Church Is Hard
If you are struggling with questions and seeking to square your intuitive sense of the good found in the Church with questions about its history, doctrine, culture, or practices, this book is for you. Available at Deseret Book and deseretbook.com.
