One of the best ways to support someone is by listening to them. As President Russell M. Nelson has suggested, “Being heard is akin to being loved.”
Our loved ones will face challenges throughout their lives. And out of love for them, we may feel an urgency to try to fix their problems. But most of the time, we can’t—people have to make their own decisions. A powerful way we can help, however, is by learning to truly listen.
Here are three things that good listeners always do.
1. Listen to Learn
It’s important to approach any conversation with genuine curiosity and humility. Even if we think we know what happened in a certain situation or how someone is feeling, our perspective is often influenced by our own experiences and biases.
Nicholas Epley, a psychologist at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, has suggested that while we can infer what another person thinks, feels, or wants, this “sixth sense” ability is inherently limited and “might introduce more error than insight.” Instead of trying to imagine someone’s point of view, he argues that we need to “get another person’s perspective instead of trying to take it.”
“Perspective getting” happens best when we ask people questions directly and listen carefully to their responses. “If we want to understand what’s on the mind of another, the best our mortal senses can do may be to rely on our ears more than our inferences,” Dr. Epley writes.
Similarly, President Nelson has counseled that we should “learn to listen, then listen to learn” in our conversations with each other and the Lord. This approach looks like listening more than we speak, focusing on what the other person is trying to communicate rather than planning our response, and respecting someone’s experience—even if we disagree or have trouble putting ourselves in their shoes.
Listening to learn often requires asking inspired questions, giving people time to speak without interruption, and refraining from making assumptions or giving unsolicited advice.
2. Stay in the Moment
As humans, it can be easy to let our thoughts wander during a conversation. We might find ourselves becoming defensive or feeling angry, upset, or helpless—especially when a loved one is confiding hurt feelings or sharing a painful experience.
But no matter the conversation, good listeners practice staying present and regulating their internal state. This self-awareness allows them to redirect their attention to the person speaking and avoid barriers to connection.
Remaining present can look like being willing to sit with someone in their pain, even when we feel tempted to push past the discomfort and look for the positive. Christ displayed empathetic listening when he wept with Mary after her brother, Lazarus, died (see John 11:32–36). Even though Christ had the power to raise Lazarus from the dead, he first held space for Mary’s grief and mourned with her.
Being able to stay present with someone like this requires working through our own pain—sometimes outside of the conversation. As Melinda Wheelwright Brown and Emily C. White wrote:
“Most emotional tides ebb and flow; some waves last longer than others. Sometimes infusing stillness into someone’s distress is our most powerful witness of God. This may require us to do serious internal work beforehand so we can set aside our fears, worries, and concerns. Quieting our own mind helps us calmly listen to our loved one’s heart.”
In addition to setting aside our worries, we can show our love by putting away any distractions and giving the person our full attention. “It is in the quiet moments—moments when we are away from devices, tasks, and pressures—that we can feel at one with ourselves and with God,” former Sunday School General President and author Russell T. Osguthorpe suggests.
3. Tune In to What’s Not Being Said
Nonverbal cues provide important information that helps us to truly listen. Words don’t always capture the full story, and details like facial expressions, gestures, posture, and tone of voice can reveal how someone is feeling and what they hope to express.
We can also help the listener feel comfortable and communicate our love through our body language. “Sometimes a hug or a smile can convey your love more than words can,” marriage and family counselor Mark D. Ogletree wrote. “Regardless of the type of conversation—whether it’s about the latest news article or your life ambitions—positive body language can reinforce validation and strengthen your relationship.”
Beyond the people in the conversation, good listeners also tune in to the Spirit. If we’re listening to someone and don’t know the best way to respond, we can pray for the influence of the Holy Ghost to help us understand what the other person needs most in that moment.
Sometimes, the Holy Ghost may prompt the listener to share specific thoughts or feedback. Other times, the person speaking may just need a validating, listening ear and loving encouragement.
As Sister Tamara W. Runia taught:
“Before we interact with a loved one, can we ask ourselves the question ‘Is what I’m about to do or say helpful or hurtful?’ …
“On rare occasions we may feel prompted to correct, but most often let’s tell our loved ones in spoken and unspoken ways the messages they long to hear: ‘Our family feels whole and complete because you are in it.’ ‘You will be loved for the rest of your life—no matter what.’”
For more ideas on listening with love, check out the articles below:
▶ How to partner with Christ to become the listener your children need
▶ 4 principles to help you respond to any sincere question—even when there aren’t easy answers
▶ 1 question to ask yourself before church that will help you build friendships
