Dave Says: Why Can't She Get Another Job?

Thank you, Dave. My grandma, who lost her husband at 32 and raised 3 kids alone, always told me, "Don't go to work and leave your kids, unless it's to put food on the table. It won't be worth the cost." There is A LOT of pressure, often from husbands, to go out and earn a dollar. If we are able to go out to eat, go golfing, or buy more movie DVD's on our current budget, I think I'm able to be a stay-at-home mom.

Dave, THANK YOU!!! You just made me cry with this, but it is sooo amazing to read the words of a man who values mothers rather than things. I would rather be home with my kids every day and I find that not only was my home cleaner, but I had more patience with them when I did. I had more time to make sure that they all said their prayers, ate good healthy meals and was able to spend time on an individual basis with each of my four kids. I have recently gone back to college because I am a single mother now, it is hitting my kids harder to deal with me "working" than not having their father home every night has. I thank Heavenly Father for men like you and pray for more of them on this Earth. Thank you for the wisdom you have shared.

Dave you are the greatest, well said and thank you so much for saying it. I work and have worked since my youngest started school out of necessity but I know that the family, the kids and yes even the husband benefit so much from the wife being in the home during the day.

Thank you Dave! Our society has worked hard to devalue a woman's homemaking efforts. We need to split that word apart and remember that with more home making and nurturing happening in our lives, our homes and families will be less likely to fall apart under the stresses of life.

I suspect the writer is asking this because he's tired from a long day at work and would like a break in the evening while his wife goes out for that second job. Understandable! But as a stay-at-home parent myself, I find that the evening hours are my most exhausting: making a healthy dinner, coaxing my children to eat it, clearing the table, doing dishes, helping with baths and storytime (not to mention homework, which my kids aren't old enough for yet!), paying the bills, and tidying the house for the coming day. And all this is done with a husband to help me! The writer may be surprised by the lack of relaxation he experiences while his wife goes out for that second job!

Dave you are my hero! I had a career, and when my son became ill I left the field and stayed home. It has been 3 years, and our income dropped to less than half of what it was. Due to your teachings, we had learned to live on a budget and we are doing better financially now, than when we made over twice as much money and did not have a budget. Your teaching made it possible for me to stay home and take care of our son and not drown financially. I keep spreading your teachings every chance that I get, especially to women who work and want to come home.

I'm not one to leave comments on any websites but on this one I had too. Thank you Dave for your comment. My kids world has changed since I have been a single mom and been going back to school. It is so very important for a mom to be home with the kids if at all possible it honestly makes a diffence.

I am a mother of five kids. I am also a full-time working woman in a professional career. I am so tired of this debate and being made to feel guilty or unworthy for the choices I have made. I am also tired of defending/justifying my employment only on the basis of "helping out financially." I love my work. I find deep fulfillment and satisfaction in my work and believe that I do something of great value to my community. Think for just a moment of what would happen if every working mother was suddenly taken out of the work-force. Think of all the teachers, doctors, cashiers, church-office building secretaries, BYU professors, bank tellers, etc. that would no longer exist. My kids are older now-teenagers and college students. They have played sports (soccer, baseball, basketball, lacrosse, track), learned musical instruments (good enough to be in all-state bands and orchestras), gotten perfect scores on SATs, been awarded Presidential & Heritage scholarships to BYU, studied abroad, gotten into top graduate & law schools...I could go on and on. But more importantly, my kids are kind, honest, compassionate, helpful, and hard-working. They all know how to cook a good nutritious meal and clean a bathroom. Whenever possible they attend each other's sporting events or concerts and are the greatest supporters and "cheerleaders" of their siblings. My point is not to brag up my children. My point is that my kids have had the most important things they need (and it's not home-baked cookies on a platter when they walk in the door from school)to become highly successful and wonderful caring adults. Did I make it to every sports event or concert? No. Did it scar them forever? No. We are a united family, all in this together, covering for each other, making up for each other's deficits, cheering for each other, helping each other, loving each other. My husband is currently deployed to Iraq for a year and my kids have stepped right up to fill in the void where needed. Let's stop this nonsense about working mothers. Every Church News, BYU Alumni magazine, even the Mormon.org website highlight women who are full-time working professionals. We can't decry working mothers on the one hand and then turn around and praise them/put them out to the world as a example of great Mormon women on the other hand. Let's stop the mommy wars and support all women in whatever decisions they make. All mothers want to be the best moms they can be. We all want our kids to be happy and well-adjusted and successful.

It's a topic that leaves so many women feeling pushed and pulled. Many men see at-home moms as lazy, or living an easy life. Many at home moms seeing women with paid careers as selfish or materialistic. I've done both ...at home mom and loved it but felt the constant pressure to "contribute" financially and to justify my expenses because the money was never "mine." (That marriage ended, in large part because of that attitude.) Now I am a full time career woman with a great managerial position in a corporation, love my job, but feel guilty for the times I am not there for my kids. It seems that we women lose either way. Can we just call a truce? Trust us, we are doing our best, guys. And whether we are in the kitchen with the milk and cookies, or in the office designing a new e-commerce website, we love our kids -- and need to be allowed to love ourselves and what we personally do best.

I support everything that mgdj said. Why do we look at others and judge them on whether they are "stay at home" moms or "working" moms. I have been listening to this argument my entire married life. When are we going to move past this? If a family is broke and the woman has the ability to add to the family's income, why wouldn't she want to do that? The question wasn't whether she should make an income so that they can have a boat or a big house. But even then, who's to say that wanting and having nice possesions, monetary security and the intellectual stimulation and personal satisfaction that comes from doing a job and receiving recognition, in the form of income, is a bad thing? We need to stop judging others and look to ourselves and our own families.

To mgdj- Dave wasn't attacking your decision to work full time. He said; "I’m no Neanderthal jerk. I don’t say every mother has to be at home or they’re a bad person. But these days we’ve got very few people who defend full-time, in-the-home motherhood." There are very few out there who do defend those of us who make the choice to be home full time. THis was one of those times that we were defended. Why does that defense mean he must be attacking you and your choices? Glad that your kids are so awesome- I think mine are too. If this is your choice- to have a professional career- then you shouldn't have to defend it like this. But then, neither should I have to defend my choice because it is different than yours.

we are struggling right now about leaving the Church. it is very difficult to justify the treatment of women, the archaic concepts of no cleavage if i feel like showing cleavage and that i am subject to "elders" just because they are men but who are thirty years younger than me. nothing fries me more than these young guys actinglike they have the right to sit in judgement of me because they are male. as a mother i've had seven children and raised them well. there is also the simmering polygamy problem. how can i follow a man who had so many "wives" he couldn't possibly have actually given them the nurturing a wife deserves? like many of us, the constant scrutiny of my actions and choices is becoming too much to bear and i and my husband, who agrees with me, will probably be leaving the Church. my husband tells me that the way we women are talked about in private is very similar to the idea that we are their property, and he doesn't like it. i am praying on this but it doesn't look good for our continued tithing and membership. and as to the tithing, like everyone, we have had difficulties the last few years. why can't we contribute in private what we feel is best? financial privacy is the most fundamental element of a marriage. sorry, just feeling the sadness of knowing we will be no longer members.

lindsay39, it's very unfortunate you didn't equate your contribution in the home with bringing in an income. We can't really do one without the other. I have worked, and stayed home, and now that I get to be home I don't feel in any way guilty over "my expenses." After 25 years of marriage, we just don't look at money that way. It's unhealthy. And mollyjane, your experience in the church is completely different from mine. I never feel judged by others in my branch in the ways you mention, and it feels like we are all pulling together, even though we may make jokes with each other at times. Your testimony can't be about cleavage and youthful elders. You've got to dig deeper, and we have to be able to forgive others for being imperfect. May I suggest starting the habit of daily reading in the Book of Mormon? It will really help you to put things back into proper perspective and remind you of how the Savior and our Father in Heaven deal with us, and would have us deal with each other. All the best to you.

Mollyjane - I'm so sorry you feel this way. I don't know where you live, but where I live it is not like that at all. My husband respects me for me. And, yes, I have raised children, I have had to work and I have stayed at home. My husband has been supportive of all my decisions. I agree with Dave, the women who choose to stay at home, do need a champion, but those who work for whatever reason, should be allowed their choice.

Wow! I'm feeling a little sorry for George for even asking the question. I think you really jumped to conclusions Dave, and just pinned George for a chauvinist when he was actually asking a really valid question. If I were to read anything into his question, it would be not why don't you ever suggest it, but why are women in this situation made to feel bad about this possibility? Why can't a woman who has a fifth grader and is "broke" get a job to help things out? The answer is, of course she can. No one, not even prophets, have said that she can't. Like you said, sometimes it is necessary. A second income no matter how small can be a tremendous blessing, it can be the food on the table, you just never know. I find myself in this very situation right now, and without my income, we simply would not meet basic needs. I have always been a stay at home mom, but it was very important for me to get my degree and I worked hard to do it even after we started having children. Now, 13 years later, I am so grateful that I did. My husband and I both have a strong commitment to our family and make sure that everyone is taken care of, he steps in when I'm unable to. It is a partnership and he is not too proud to take share household chores or make dinner. Again, several comments, including yours Dave, have assumed that George wouldn't do the same, or that he was simply looking to relax while his wife went out to earn more money. Many have jumped to conclusions and judged George because he asked the question, much like women who are compelled to work outside the home are sometimes judged. Does anyone else see the double standard in this? Back to the real question: Is it okay for women to seek a job if their family is "broke?" The answer is yes, and Mormon women need to know this. They need to know this and they need to replace the guilt they might feel for having to work, with gratitude that they are able to help out, and with faith that Heavenly Father knows the desires of your heart. If a woman with a family chooses to work, she should not be judged either. Have faith in your fellow sisters to make good decisions based on their needs and the needs of their families, support them and love them.

I have done both - worked full time and stayed at home. Both have benefits and challenges. Remember the article is, at this time, praising stay at home moms. I am so sorry for the working moms who are offended by that praise. Both sides have had successes in raising children and good families, and there are those who have had great challenges, but still raised or are raising good families Remember - it's a choice - good or bad is in the eye of the beholder (the mom). Who are we to judge? We need to appreciate women as a whole - we do an awesome job! My eldest daughter works 4 hours,4 nights a week so she can be home with the children while they go to school. She cooks a great dinner and dessert before she goes to work. My wonderful son in law serves dinner, cleans up, spends time with the children, puts them to bed and waits for my daughter to get home when they can spend quality time together before retiring for the night. She has weekends off so she is able to be with her family. She will do this for 1 1/2 more years when they will be completely out of debt and she can stay home. This works for their needs. If you are doing what is good for your needs - stand up to it - own it - be proud of it - there is no right or wrong pattern here. Be proud of what you do :D Mollyjane: I feel for you sweetie - I really do. We converted 15 years ago in Southern California. A friend of ours, a Stake President, informed us we have to have thick skin and if we trust in Heavenly Father and do what he is asking all will be well BUT know the biggest and worst sin (his words just repeating) within the church is judgement and condeming each other. The offended leave because of hurt feelings, never resolving the offense. In California - north and south; Washington State, and South Carolina - never offended, wonderful wards, and stakes. Then we moved to Utah. I love Utah, and we do have great wards here, but in the area we reside - very judgey. Generations and generations of families. We are considered outsiders. My son who was on track for his Eagle could never get or Bishop, YM Pres, or Stake Rep to meet with him to get it approved. After 6 months of calling by him, me and his father. So no Eagle. I prayed and accepted that the knowledge that he learned from being in Scouts from a Tiger to graduating is greater than a badge that says Eagle. As far as how women are treated, they accept that. The only person I worry about how I'm treated is my husband - who treats me like a queen! if your husband values you, praises you, and treats you like a queen. Run with that - know that in his eyes he sees the wonderful woman that Heavenly Father does. You don't have to be accepted by all, nor do you need to worry about how the others accept treatment from their husbands. Just you and yours in your home. There are other offenses that we have endured - I remember no one said it was going to be easy, but it will be worth it. But please dig down deep in you - do you know the church is true? Do you know President Monson is a true Prophet of God? Do you have a testimony, or have you lost it temporarily. We did leave our ward for a time, but after answering the previous questions, there is no doubt in my mind that Satan was working on my negative side trying to pull me away from what is good and right. Remember, they are only people, and people are not perfect, they will have to answer for their comments, actions, and work. Know you are a beautiful daughter of Heavenly Father who loves you. You will overcome as I have. I pray for you and your family to see this through and receive the blessings that are in store for you.

Above all, I think the key to Dave's response is "and if that’s what she wants to do". His point is not that it's bad to work, or anything like that. IF he CAN find a way that she doesn't have to, and she WANTS to stay home, he'll do it. Everyone needs to stop feeling judged. I've done both, and I'm so grateful that we are able to have me stay home now, I feel so much more able to connect with my children. It's a personal decision, but if Dave can figure out a solution, he will.

I do not give you my words but the wise words of others. None of us should judge anothers choices. President Gordon B. Hinckley on motherhood: “Most of you are mothers, and very many of you are grandmothers and even great-grandmothers. You have walked the sometimes painful, sometimes joyous path of parenthood. You have walked hand in hand with God in the great process of bringing children into the world that they might experience this estate along the road of immortality and eternal life. It has not been easy rearing a family. Most of you have had to sacrifice and skimp and labor night and day. As I think of you and your circumstances, I think of the words of Anne Campbell, who wrote as she looked upon her children: You are the trip I did not take; You are the pearls I cannot buy; You are my blue Italian lake; You are my piece of foreign sky. (“To My Child,” quoted in Charles L. Wallis, ed., The Treasure Chest [1965], 54) You [mothers] are the real builders of the nation wherever you live, for you have created homes of strength and peace and security. These become the very sinew of any nation.” Gordon B. Hinckley, “Women of the Church,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 67 Elder M. Russell Ballard on mothering: "There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." “Daughters of God,” Ensign, May 2008, 108–10 I stayed home with my children until my youngest daughter was ten. Until this day I wish I had waited until she was 18. That is just me. She has told me that my going to work left a huge hole in her life. She was responsible, not because she wanted to be, but because she had no choice. Thank you Dave for pointing out that this is about choices. Choices have consequences. Make your choice based on your circumstances and your own inspiration from the Lord and you will have made the right choice for you. I pray that your eyes light up when your children enter the room. That is how they know you love them. May the Lord bless all Mothers, especially the ones that are suffering from the tornado's, war, and the economy.

Thanks mgdj for your wise comment! There are women who wants to be in the work field because they are highly educated and they love their job and they want to keep working after they have had children! I hate housework and I'd rather hire a maid to clean my house!!! I hate cleaning the house!!!!This doesn't make me a bad mum!!! I am so tired of this argument, yes maybe I will not bake perfect cookies, but I will be able to give my children other thoughts and values that to me are more important than providing perfect baked cookies! Like a love for education and knowledge and for hard work. Stop judging working mums as bad mums, it is all about team work between husband and wife. I met plenty of working mums whom with the help and support of their husbands grew wondeful families. I have also met at home stay mums which had unbalanced children although they spent all their time home. The best way is just to do what makes us happy mums, because that will be the best way to be good mums too. My husband and children wouldn't certainly want a full time home frustrated mum!!!! My mum was a working and home stay mum and she was wonderful both ways!!!! So please move on, it is year 2012 and some LDS women are proud of what they have achieved and do want to be out in the work field just because they love it. And they are trying their best to be good mums, good wives and good sisters!

Dave's answer would've been better if he hadn't assumed two things: (1) that George's description of his family's financial straights won't eventually case the break-down of familial relationships; and (2) that a 10-year old's experience of mom waiting at the door with a hug is more 'valuable' than a 10-year old's experience of seeing their mom contribute in a meaningful way to the family's finances. If mom clips coupons for 6 hours/day while the kid is at school, and it saves the family hundreds of dollars a month, then that may be a meaningful contribution. But if she's doing laundry, cleaning the house, watching tv, making meals, or anything else that the majority of us working moms manage to do in addition to working, then she's not making enough of a contribution, and George has the right to question that. If everyone could afford to be stay-at-home parents, we'd all do it. If staying at home to raise a half-grown child drives your family to bankruptcy, I'd say it's not worth it. George was right: get a job!