Home

News LDS News Sports Entertainment Business

Magazine Magazine LDS Magazine Email Magazine Subscribe Send a Gift LDS Magazine Featured Home & Family Travel & Destinations FHE Sunday Lessons Shop

Subscribe Yourself Give a Gift Renew Give a Gift, Get a Gift

Featured Stories

Home & Family

Travel & Destinations

FHE

Sunday Lessons

Shop

When a Child Strays

by Larry Barkdull

Few parents think their child will stray. They don’t plan on it. They watch it happen to other families, and they hear heartbreaking stories. But somehow they feel insulated . . . until it hits home.

Parents of a child who strays often describe life before waywardness as "living in a bubble." Although they knew they were living in a world awash in depravity, they only became acutely aware of their environment when their child was caught up in some difficulty.

When a child goes wayward, he or she becomes sick - spiritually sick, emotionally sick, and sometimes physically sick. Parents panic. Typically, two things happen. First, they internalize the problem and assume the blame. Second, they try to become healers, when they are seldom equipped to be such.

Alyson, a mother of four, experienced many of the problems parents of rebellious children experience. She wrote:

When our teenage daughter decided to become sexually active, my husband, Jim, and I fell apart. We hadn't seen it coming. We felt guilt and shame; we wanted to hide. Worse, our beloved Elise* had suddenly changed. Now she was belligerent and determined to remain with her boyfriend. We tried reasoning with her; we tried yelling; we tried grounding her and withholding driving privileges. Nothing worked, and our relationship with her hit an all-time low.

We went to an LDS counselor and explained our dilemma. He listened intently then asked if we had talked with our bishop. I felt frustrated. We had paid $75 only to be sent to our bishop? The counselor must have seen the disappointment in my face, because he took out a pad of paper and began to draw. "Look," he said. "Your daughter's problem started as a spiritual sickness, which requires spiritual healing. That requires priesthood keys." On the paper he had written Elise's name and drawn three lines to:

Spiritual Sickness - Bishop
Emotional Sickness - Therapist
Physical Sickness - Medical Doctor

Then he looked at me, pointed to Emotional Sickness and said, "I can help with this one, but if Elise becomes pregnant, take her to a doctor."

I saw where he was going. I said, "And because she has a spiritual sickness, we need to go to the bishop."

He nodded, then added, "But I think your bishop will tell you and your husband that both of you also qualify as spiritual healers because you are her parents."

His counsel was worth the $75. Now that Jim and I understood what we were dealing with, we split Elise's sickness into two parts, spiritual and emotional, and prayed that it would not become a physical problem. We began to assemble our team.

I would like to report that we have achieved wellness, but we have discovered that healing is a process. Elise has not yet agreed to go to counseling, but Jim and I do. We realize that we need to learn some new skills to deal with our daughter's behavioral problems. On the other hand, Elise has agreed to meet with the bishop, and she loves her Young Women advisor, whom the bishop assigned to work with her.

My [and my] husband's assignment is harder. Both the counselor and our bishop have assigned us to work solely on the relationship and give Elise unconditional love. That is not to say that we don't have rules and that we cannot express our feelings. But our mantra is "Nothing trumps love." The bishop gave us an additional assignment - to strengthen our spiritual muscles. He said that we needed more spiritual strength if we wanted to facilitate a spiritual healing in our daughter. We took his counsel to heart. Now we pray and fast with more frequency and purpose; we attend the temple twice in a month rather than once; and we try harder in our callings. I am finally willing to believe that success is within our reach. I have no doubt that we will get our daughter back.

Feelings of Guilt and Shame

The mother in the story above lists her first reaction to her daughter's waywardness as a feeling of guilt. Although this is normal, it is also a waste of time. Perhaps Alyson and Jim did do something that led to Elise's behavior, but probably not. Elise simply became intrigued with the world's behaviors and chose wrong. Should that be a surprise?

To Alyson and Jim, yes.

To God, no.

That is likely the reason why He places such children with strong parents! Elder Maxwell called this divine positioning—God’s placing weaker spirits with stronger spirits for the purpose of spiritual rescue. Suddenly, with that perspective, parents of rebellious children might realize that their child’s waywardness is a calling, not their failing.

Harboring feelings of failure can be paralyzing; they can prevent us from going to work in our calling. In reality, we are involved in a carefully orchestrated trust. Moreover, we were likely prepared for that trust and will be strengthened to accomplish it. If that is true, it is also true that we are not alone; we have the right to partner with God. Therefore, we parents should shed the feelings of guilt and shame and settle into a solemn sense of calling and trust. In partnership, we must work with Heavenly Father to reel our wayward child home.

Physical Rehabilitation

The psychologist who counseled Alyson and Jim helped them to split their daughter's illness into three parts: physical, emotional, and spiritual. This is a valuable exercise since each part must be dealt with separately. In each case, the principle of healing remains constant: go to the right specialist for the specific condition.

This should seem obvious, but parents who panic often mix up the roles of healers, or wonder when they should step in and encourage their child to go the correct specialist. They might ask themselves the following questions: If my daughter becomes pregnant, should I take her to a gynecologist or a therapist? If I suspect my son of addiction to drugs, when do I take him to the doctor, and how do I encourage him to go?

Of course, in the process of rehabilitation, a troubled child will likely need to visit with his or her bishop, a counselor, and possibly a medical doctor, but first things first. Parents must remember that they are trying to facilitate a healing across the board, and in order to do that, they should make a concerted effort to assemble their team of healers. Take your child to the specialist who immediately correlates with his or her problem; if you suspect your child of addiction, consult with a medical doctor for strategies of how to help or encourage the child to overcome the addiction.

Emotional Rehabilitation

In the story, the parents made the classic mistake of mixing up spiritual sickness with emotional or behavioral sickness. They went to a counselor for a spiritual problem. Gratefully, the counselor set them straight by defining what he was and was not equipped to do.

A psychologist has spent years in school to learn the science of counseling. Then to be licensed to practice, he or she has counseled in a supervised clinical environment for hundreds and sometimes thousands of hours. Finally, the counselor must pass a state exam and be guided by rules of ethics. Here is the point: for all that education and training, a psychologist has not spent one of those educational or professional hours learning how to spiritually counsel someone.

While it is true that the counselors at LDS Family Services will occasionally approach behavioral issues by applying spiritual principles, it is also true that they will always direct patients to counsel with their bishops for spiritual concerns. Similarly, a wise bishop will limit his counsel to spiritual matters rather than pretending to become a psychologist. A bishop is trained to direct members to use the professional resources of the Church for emotional and behavioral problems.

Parents of troubled children can rest assured that a good psychologist can unearth deep-seated emotional issues that might be contributing to the child's bad behavior. Most parents are not equipped to do this. Moreover, talking to a neutral party in confidence can draw out concerns a child might not reveal to a parent.

The real win in employing a psychologist is gaining behavioral skills to deal with the issue. For example, if a boy has a problem with pornography, a good counselor can help him discover the root issues and triggers that aggravate the behavior and then teach him skills to overcome the addiction.

But how do you know when a psychologist is the right specialist? In most situations where a child has drastically separated from his or her upbringing, therapy can help the child find peace with the internal battle he or she feels. If they are rejecting their parents' attempts to love, they could benefit from therapy. If your child does not wish to go, however, you should still consider trying to gain emotional knowledge without your child, as Alyson and Jim did.

As Alyson and Jim continued to go to the counselor without their daughter, they gained new skills - their goal in facing a problem they never had. They needed quick information to maintain the relationship with their daughter. They discovered early on that no amount of shouting, coercing or grounding could rescue Elise or sustain the relationship. Only a new set of skills could accomplish what will be needed. Sometimes a good counselor is of more initial benefit to the parents than to the troubled child.

Spiritual Rehabilitation

In the process of rehabilitating a troubled child, the issue of spiritual healing must be addressed. Neither a medical doctor nor a counselor can effect spiritual healing; they might help, but ultimately, only a spiritual steward can cure a spiritual sickness. Several people qualify: 1) the parents 2) the bishop 3) Young Men and Young Women presidencies and advisors 4) home teachers and visiting teachers 5) anyone else the bishop assigns.

A bishop from Idaho recounted a success experience in which by virtue of his keys, he assembled a team and helped to bring back a troubled boy:

The parents of one of my priests came to visit me. They were distraught. Their son was going off the deep end, and they didn't know what to do. After listening to them, I suggested that we pray and meet again. During that time, an impression came to me. I called a meeting with the parents and men who were influential in the boy's life. These were my counselors, the boy's Young Men leader, his Sunday School teacher, and his coach at school. I explained the boy's situation and asked them to join with me in a fast. Then I asked them to pray and go to the temple to determine what the Lord would have them do to help the boy. A week later, we met again and talked about our impressions. Each man had received specific instructions from the Spirit. We [acted on the answers we had received], and in a short period of time, the boy ceased his downward slide, repented, and made a full about-face to genuine activity in the Church.

Assembling the team of healers is absolutely essential to success. While the medical and emotional healers do their parts, the spiritual healers work on the crucial spiritual issues behind waywardness. Because the bishop holds the keys of the priesthood for this very situation, he has the right to direct the process. That is not to say that his role is more important than the parents' role. But he stands in the unique position to assemble a team from within the ranks of his ward to take assignments in rescuing the child. By virtue of his keys, he can throw a net of support under the parents and provide them much needed perspective, whatever the outcome.

Every Reason to Hope

For parents to become agents of change, they must regroup around their faith and courageously put to use the redemptive principles of the gospel. A powerful truth emerges from the plan of salvation: as we draw closer to our Father in Heaven, we also bring those with us who are tied to us. This is evidenced in the account of Alma the Elder.

Of course, nothing trumps agency. No guarantee could ever be made that a child will choose to turn from a life of waywardness. Nevertheless, the saving principles of the gospel are so powerful that the prophets have used little qualifying language in sweeping promises. For example, Brigham Young said, "I care not where those children go, they are bound up to their parents by an everlasting tie, and no power of earth or hell can separate them from their parents in eternity; they will return again to the fountain from whence they sprang" (Discourses of Brigham Young, 208).

Certainly it is possible for anyone to sin away from salvation; nevertheless, such optimism from the prophets for eventual success should kindle hope within any parent's despairing heart.

These empowering principles and promises should be good news for parents. Rather than languishing in hopelessness, watching children self-destruct, parents can go to work, assemble their team, employ the principles found in the plan of redemption, and expect miracles to happen.

And miracles do happen!

The mountain of evidence is astounding. Again, while nothing can interfere with a child's freedom of choice, the Lord has promised through his prophets that in His own due time - even if that time extends into the next life - He will provide tailor-made opportunities for every rebellious child to return, just as He did for Alma, the sons of Mosiah, Paul, and others. He will attempt to call them back.

Will it be a heartbreaking struggle? Almost certainly.

But is there hope? Absolutely.

*Names have been changed.

---

Larry Barkdull is a prolific writer of Church subjects and general fiction, including the national award-winning Cold Train Coming. His next book, which focuses on the spiritual exercises parents can do to help bring their children back to the gospel, is called Rescuing Wayward Children: When a Loved One Goes Astray. It is available at Deseret Book. Click here to learn more.

---

When Your Child Needs More . . .

By LDS Living Staff

You've assembled your team of doctors, counselors, and spiritual advisors. You've worked to improve your own spirituality. But still, your child is not responding. Now what?

You may want to consider a residential treatment program like West Ridge Academy, a nonprofit organization located in West Jordan, Utah. Formerly known as Utah Boys Ranch, this program has been around since 1964 and boasts an 85 percent success rate. West Ridge Academy provides services for children ages nine to eighteen on two separate campuses - one for boys, the other for girls.

"Our program is holistic in approach," say Ken Allen, executive director. "We treat mental, physical, and spiritual problems." The average stay for a child is ten months.

With sixteen licensed professionals and a fully accredited K-12 school, the program is a combination of academics, service, therapy, and recreation. "It's not a boot camp," Allen emphasizes. "We work to build trusting relationships with the kids that will hopefully help facilitate a change of heart. Then we help them work on their relationships with family and friends."

There are also eight LDS service missionaries on site to offer love, support, and encouragement. "They're kind of like grandmas and grandpas," Allen says. "They have a huge impact on the kids."

In addition to providing the residential treatment program, West Ridge Academy hosts quarterly parenting seminars. Open to the public, these seminars address topics such as understanding early signs of drug abuse, treating depression and anxiety, setting boundaries, dealing with defiance, and treating ADHD. Visit westridgeacademy.com to learn more.

Promises of the Prophets . . .

When a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother. -Joseph Smith (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 321)

Our Heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in his mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive. -Joseph Smith (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 257)

Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. -Orson F. Whitney (CR, April 1929, 110)

Those born under the covenant, throughout all eternity, are the children of their parents. . . . The parents may still feel after them and eventually bring them back near to them again. -Joseph Fielding Smith (Doctrines of Salvation, Vol. 2, 90)

I leave my blessing upon you. May there be . . . a sense of security and peace and love among your children, precious children every one of them, even those who may have strayed. I hope you don't lose patience with them; I hope you go on praying for them, and I don't hesitate to promise that if you do, the Lord will touch their hearts and bring them back to you with love and respect and appreciation. -Gordon B. Hinckley ("Prophet returns to 'beloved England,'" Church News, 2 Sept. 1995)