Dealing with My Husband’s Anger

Dear Dr. Elia,

My husband I are very active members of the church. We have a lot of stress in our home just with all the activities going on and now the economy has put a stop to our income.

Over the years my husband has had a habit of reacting to problems with anger always looking for someone or somewhere to place blame or responsibility. He will regularly get angry at me or the kids, and it is difficult to get back into a loving atmosphere. He berates me for not appreciating him, being his cheerleader, comforting him, etc. It's like trying to love a porcupine. His anger drives me away, and I feel somewhat more guarded in our relationship in these last years because of his verbal attacks on me. I know he needs my help and support, but how do I work this out in my mind to be loving when I feel so hurt on a regular basis? Do I just need to grow up and accept this? I have talked to him about his anger issue and suggested counseling for us but he thinks it is not needed.

Beth

Dear Beth,

This is an issue that often comes up when working with couples. There are three ways to empty the "emotional bank account" in a marriage. It's called the "AAA," which stands for Adultery, Addiction, and Abuse. Your husband's behavior as you describe it falls under the third category, as verbal and emotional abuse. Over the years you may have become accustomed to being treated this way, but that does not make it justified under any circumstances.

You're wondering if you "need to grow up and accept this." That is an amazing statement for an outsider like myself to embrace! It only makes sense because you've become used to it. No woman in the Church deserves to be treated this way. Do you remember who you are? A daughter of your Heavenly Father! Do you think He would approve of your husband's "habit"? I suggest that you tactfully share Doctrine and Covenants 121:39-41 with your husband, which reads in part, "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned."

If this is too hard to do by yourself, please seek the support of your ecclesiastical leaders, like your bishop or stake president.

You are correct in suggesting counseling to him, but his pride keeps him from seeking help. I wonder if he would turn down an offer of assistance from his bishop?

He not only could use some counseling, but more specifically Anger Management classes. There are plenty of resources, if he has the desire to overcome this detrimental behavior. I'm concerned that if things continue without any change, whatever love you have for him will eventually disappear. I have seen it countless times in similar circumstances: The wife endures the verbal and emotional abuse until the youngest child graduates from high school and heads off to college. Soon after she files for divorce and ends the dysfunctional marriage. I hope you have a very different outcome, for yourself, your children, and also for him.

He cannot possibly be happy when he treats you this way. Somewhere deep down he must know that his behavior is wrong—even if he doesn't admit it. It takes real humility to say to you that he has been wrong and has offended you, and God, by his outbursts all these years. It takes courage on your part to put an end to it, but you are not alone. Seek the help and guidance from those in positions to help.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris

Dr. Elia Gourgouris, PhD, is a nationally known speaker and marriage expert, and is the author of The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving! (buy here). With over twenty years of experience, he coaches LDS couple throughout the United States and enjoys speaking at BYU Education Week and Time Out for Women. He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

To get more relationship and coaching advice from Dr. Elia, visit www.AskDrElia.com, www.LDSCoaching.com, or call 303.523.6396.

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Dealing With Husband's Anger

Sally, Smith in East Coast

Beth's marriage is very much like my marriage had been for so many years. My husband reacted in anger to anything that didn't go his way and he, too, found someone or something else on whom to place the blame or responsibility (usually I was the scapegoat). Your advice to Beth is right on. She needs to seek out her Bishop, as I did mine. It wasn't an easy step, but my Bishop was supportive, understanding, and nonjudgemental while providing me and my husband with the guidance and counsel we so sorely needed. I fear that if Beth does not seek the assistance she and her husband need, the verbal and emotional abuse will escalate to physical abuse. Beth needs to realize that although her husband may not be abusive to their children, by abusing their mother, he IS abusing his children. They are not unaffected by the abuse in their home. The father is modeling behavior that his children may adopt when they become parents. Please, put an end to the abuse now--meet with your Bishop. Although Bishops are not professional counselors, they can and do offer inspired counsel to their ward members and when appropriate, refer them to professional counselors (LDS Social Services, if nearby, or other Christian counseling services). Beth's Bishop may well be aware that there are problems in her home and he is waiting--praying--that Beth and/or her husband will come meet with him. In his way, he is probably reaching out to this family, offering his love and support. My Bishop was aware and patiently and lovingly waited for me to come to him when I was ready. Thank you, Dr. Gourgouris, for your insightful counsel to Beth and all our sisters who are dealing with abuse.

Family abuse

Rachelle in Minnesota

Even after several years of family counseling my ADHD spouse and children are constantly angry and take it out on me. I fantasize about the day they are all adults and I can disappear somewhere.

Abuse, depression, ADHD, etc.

Ryan in Texas

I did not grow up in an abusive home nor did my wife, but I have let my anger slip at times and I have seen my children's reactions and it caused me to realize how much I need to work on. However, if we are afflicted with such things as attention deficit, severe depression, and other physical ailments, it only makes it MORE difficult to live "normal" LDS lives. I envy my materal cousins, because depression runs on my paternal side of the family, and I doubt they even understand what our "dysfunctional" family goes through. Ward members don't always understand either unless they're going through it themselves.

abusive

Jennifer in California

My ex was the same way. He wouldn't change or admit there was a problem. He was also a compulsive liar. No matter how many times I have tried to explain what went wrong, he still doesn't accept that he is to blame. He blames it on me for not pushing him to get counseling (he refused to), he blames it on are older girls (he was verbally abusive to them). It's still someone elses fault and now he's alone. I'm happy and mostly stress free. Unfortunately are ward has taken him in and left me out. Sad. He never wanted to go to church when we were together. I went alone with the kids. Now I'm the bad guy.

Just like mines

Hinanui in West Valley City

From reading this story it sounds alot like my marriage. I always try to give my husband my input but I always get a "Shut up" or a "It's none of your business". I am not sure what to do cause I have heard of marriages that all of a sudden just break up after their last child has gone off to college and I just never got it. I do now and I don't want my marriage to be any thing like that. I do want to work things out and make our marriage last because I do truly love him. Thank you so much for the story. Aloha