 |
 |
|
|
 |
Magazine Features
Reconsidering Sleepovers
by Wendy Green
I remember sleepovers from my childhood. I was a less-active youth and didn't always have solid "do not's" from my single-parent father, which often left the door open to participate in sleepover activities that would not have occurred in my home.
I wasn't always completely sure where the line stood between OK and NOT OK, but the peer pressure and excitement surrounding the party made the choice to follow along a pretty easy one. Watching horror movies, playing with ouija boards, and sneaking out at night to meet other friends were among the activities that I would never have attempted under the watchful eye of my dad.
The lack of standards and supervision during some of these sleepovers would have been a cause for concern to all the parents involved, had they been aware. But to my single father, the reprieve from a chatty, enthusiastic, and emotional pre-teen must have been welcome. In his mind, I'm sure he thought the other parents would be as diligent as he would have been when it came to clean television, safe games, and careful supervision. Fortunately I was never hurt during any of my sleepover stunts, but I do have vivid memories of movies I shouldn't have seen and activities in which I shouldn't have participated.
I talk to my kids often about the dangers of sleepovers since our family has a fairly strict no-sleepover policy. We have had this policy supported many times over the years by the negative experiences of others.
An extreme example of the danger of sleepovers was found a few years ago in Sacramento, California. A husband, father, and elementary school teacher was sentenced to over twenty-one years in prison for committing lewd acts against children while also photographing his crimes. His victims were girls who were sleeping over at his house as guests of his daughter. He slipped drugs into their drinks in order to take advantage of them without their knowledge. The parents who entrusted their daughters to this man were shocked that this person that they admired would commit such horrible acts.
For us, the sleepover issue actually began at a stake conference fireside in late 1995. Our stake president at the time, Larry Lawrence, counseled our stake to beware of sleepovers and slumber parties. He explained that many children have drunk their first beer, sworn for the first time or lost their virtue "on a night when they did not have to look their parents in the eye when the night was over." He advised us to take comfort in knowing our families were safe under the same roof at the end of each night.
His own children (he had six) were allowed to go to sleepovers but he would pick them up around 10:00 P.M. or so instead of having them spend the night. Many times his children would be disappointed because they could not stay. They would be angry or in tears when he picked them up. Yet each child, as an adult, thanked him and his wife for that rule. As they grew older and found out what had gone on with those friends at those sleepovers, they realized and appreciated their parents' wisdom.
We decided after that meeting that we would heed his warning about sleepovers and not allow them. We have never regretted this decision. When friends have asked why we have such a policy, we can list several reasons.
Family doesn't always equal safety.
Even when it comes to family, we are cautious. I won't allow my kids to sleep at relatives' homes unless I am there too. My kids' cousins are great but I don't know who their friends are and kids can be exposed to danger so easily. There have been many stories in the news about kids being molested by family members or friends of family members.
One weekend nine years ago, Annie* from Vallejo, California had close relatives come to stay with her family. In the middle of the night, while she was sleeping upstairs, her daughter was molested by a visiting cousin. The girl was too shocked and too scared to call out and didn't relate the incident to her mother until several years later. The family was devastated that someone they loved and trusted would do such a horrible thing. Incidents like this occur every day. The typical child molester does not "look" like one; most are at least marginally adept at concealing their crimes. Studies report that over eighty percent of children are abused by someone the family knows and trusts. In fact, in a September 14, 2007 New York Times article, "Disturbing Facts about Sexual Abuse," author Steve D. Levitt reported that only eight percent of abusers are strangers.
"Long time, no see" probably warrants a hotel.
Long-time-no-see friends generally equal distant relationships that warrant hotel stays. It would be rare to hear someone whose child has become a victim say, "I knew something like this would happen. He appeared shifty and dangerous right from the start." Much more often the response is more like, "I never would have thought him capable of something like this." While one might argue that the case in Utah was an isolated incident, it's impossible to recognize a perpetrator beforehand and most victims' parents express shock and surprise upon discovering who has hurt their child. The hesitancy to offend others is understandable, but this is a risk worth taking.
Standards vary from home to home.
In Helena, Montana, Karen* allowed her young daughter to attend a friend's swimming sleepover. The father walked around the house nude while the girls were in the pool (with the nudity in full view). Karen's daughter was upset by this but wasn't sure what to do. She finally called her mom and told her what was going on. Her mother picked her up immediately. The father felt it was his home and he could do what he pleased. That's somewhat true! As a guest, your child is placed in an environment that may have standards that are drastically different from your own. If a household has decided it's okay to watch R-rated movies, would the bar be raised for your child? What if the parents feel it is acceptable to have a gun in the home and you don't? At a sleepover, kids know that the parents will go to sleep eventually; that unsupervised time is often seen by children as an opportunity to impress their friends by engaging in risky behavior.
Of course sleepovers rarely involve life-threatening situations. Often the problems are small but can be quite troublesome nonetheless. Jennifer* of Layton, Utah thought a sleepover with the neighbor's children would be a lot of fun for her five-year-old daughter Sarah. The night Sarah came home, she had trouble sleeping. Jennifer was upset to learn that the father in the home had told very scary ghost stories to the group of girls. In the name of fun, that father's actions gave Sarah nightmares for weeks. She was so terrified that she even refused to go to the bathroom alone.
EVen if your child isn't sleeping over, there area always concerns when he or she visits someone else's home. One evening my son went to play at the home of a friend from Primary. He came home and described a video game they had played that was rated "M" for "Mature Audience." It was quite violent; a game I would not have allowed in our home. I was upset that he had viewed a game in which the goal was to kill as many people as possible. I had assumed that family had the same feelings about those games that I did, but I was wrong.
Sometimes other kids are the problem.
When her son asked if he could have a friend spend the night, Annette* of Springfield, Missouri agreed to the request. Later in the evening she was shocked when she walked in on them behaving extremely inappropriately. She took the boy home and told his mother what she had witnessed. The mother apologized profusely and explained that the boy had recently been molested by an uncle and was acting out that victimization.
I spoke with a woman who works for Child Protective Services. She said that CPS deals with many cases just like Annette's. Kids who have been molested may act it out on other children. The CPS worker agreed wholeheartedly that a no-sleepover policy could drastically reduce the number of these types of incidents.
When one group of LDS boys in a quiet California neighborhood got together for a sleepover, they had a great time just talking after the host parents went to bed. The conversation soon turned innocently to television. However, soon one boy began telling the others, in graphic detail, all he had seen on the pornography station after he had figured out how to access the forbidden channels on his family's satellite system. Several of the other boys told their parents what they had heard. Those parents called the storytelling boy's parents. The boy apologized and the satellite was removed, but the damage was already done. As Dallin H. Oaks has said, "The body has defenses to rid itself of unwholesome food but the brain won't vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to recall."
Two or more heads are not always better than one.
Sometimes when groups of kids get together, they seem to share one brain. Goofiness can lead to silliness, which can sometimes lead to some really foolish choices. It only takes one mischievous kid to get the others to commit various crimes of stupidity. Toilet papering, vandalism, and crank phone calls have all been known to occur at sleepovers in the name of fun. Most of these activities probably start out with the intention of being only harmless pranks, but some of these pranks are now considered misdemeanor crimes.
Experimentation is more likely to occur.
As my stake president shared with us all those years ago, when children know that they will not have to face their parents until the next day, they may be more likely to experiment with things they shouldn't like drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or sex. One mother of a former drug addict said that in her experience, sleepovers were how many young drug users began experimenting. Of course, the most important thing in these harmful situations is to teach our children how to stand up to peer pressure, but limiting situations in which temptation may be especially strong (like at sleepovers) is an additional helpful defense.
There is peace in knowing your family is safe at home.
The peace that comes from knowing each and every one of your children is safe at home is priceless, but that peace does not come without challenges. Children may be resentful as they hear about the fun had at a sleepover after they were made to go home. They may be angry or frustrated at "being treated like a baby." By calmly repeating your policy guidelines regarding these parties and sticking to your family's rules, your children will protest less over time. When boundaries are stated clearly and coupled with expressions of love and concern, the general responses will be positive.
Fun Sleepover Solutions
You want your kids to have fun with other kids and you understand that as they get older they enjoy the excitement of a late-night get-together. When you steer away from sleepovers, there are still lots of great late-night activities that kids will love.
Take turns with other neighbor families hosting "lateovers" instead of sleepovers. Decide how late you're willing to supervise the kids (perhaps until around 10:00 p.m. for younger kids and until 11:00 12:00 for kids 12 and up), let them "hang out," play, chat, and watch movies--everything they would do at a regular sleepover. This way, kids can have the fun of a sleepover, but without some of the risks that can be involved in all-night events.
Try an "earlyover" and invite your child's friend to come for an early breakfast and fun games--they can even come tin p.j.'s if they want! What a fun way to start a weekend or summer day!
Kids love to play night games. They can be active, rambunctious, and social, and they'll probably be tired enough by the end that they'll want to go home. Here are some ideas: glow-in-the-dark volleyball, Frisbee, or soccer, glow stick tage, Marco Polo, and capture the flag.
Girl Get-togethers
Host an "evening at the spa" and invite your daughter's friends over to do each other's hair, paint to nails, and give facials--all while chatting away and doing what comes natural to a group of young girls.
Have a pajama party, but at this party you actually make the p.j.'s. You could either all head to a fabric store and pick out the fabric for each girl, or have each one bring her own fabric. Provide a simple pajama bottom pattern and then let them take turns sewing their pieces together. Add a little music and some sewing snacks and this will be a fun, unique party that, in the end, provides a very cute party favor.
Hold a tear-jerker movie marathon and introduce your daughter and her girlfriends to an oldie-but-goodie. Have each girl bring her favorite romantic movie (be sure to add your own favorite to the collection and introduce them to a new favorite!). Once everyone has arrived, have the girls narrow their choices to as many movies as time allows (you may need to start this party pretty early to get the girls home at an appropriate hour). Then just pop some popcorn, put on some bunny slippers, and make sure there are plenty of tissues available!
Boy Get-togethers
Organize a video game tournament. This is not only a way to let the boys do one of their favorite activities, but it can also be a great way to show the boys that there are many fun video games available that aren't sexual or violent. Let the boys bring their favorite games and let the battles begin!
The boys could have an action-packed movie marathon of their own. There are still many movies that are exciting and fast-paced but yet still hold an acceptable rating. Sports movies are sure to be a hit. A few great ones include Rocky, Cool Runnings, Rudy, Mighty Ducks, The Sandlot, and Miracle.
If you decide to eliminate or limit sleepovers for your family, your kids can still be safely involved in fun nighttime activities. These might require some extra effort on the part of the hosting parents, but if the families involved take turns with these responsibilities, the burden is lightened and all can share the benefit.
The outcome is worth the effort.
As parents, the safety and welfare of our families is always our main concern. We have been trusted with the sacred responsibility to not only rear our children in truth and righteousness but to protect their innocence as well. Consider the risks involved with sleepovers and carefully decide what you feel should be your family's boundaries. With precautions, we can ensure that our children grow up to be happy, healthy, and secure.
***Names have been changed.
(If you're still not convinced . . .)
Canceling sleepovers altogether may be too extreme for you. But before you say yes, here are some tips for keeping it safe, from experts and conscientious parents alike:
* Always meet the parents beforehand--ask them about house rules and the evening's plans (how closely the kids will be supervised, etc.), telling them you assume they'd like to know yours in the same situation.
* Look at the home's location--is it in a safe area? Does it look safe and cared for?
* Reinforce your standards with your child--review how they might say politely that they don't watch certain kinds of movies or play certain games.
* Drop off your child at the door--talk with the parents and agree on a pick-up time the next day.
* Create a "safe phrase" for your child--if they want to be picked up, for any reason, they can call you and say "my stomach aches."
* Never question your child's desire to come home--if your child has had enough of the stay, tell them you'll be over immediately.
|
More |
 |
Especially For You |
LDS Church Info |
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
HOME ADVERTISE ABOUT US CONTACT US SUBSCRIBE RENEW | |
Copyright © 2009 LDSLiving. All rights reserved. | |
Privacy Policy |
Mary in Missouri
I completely agree with this article. Years ago my children participated in sleep overs and I later learned the least of the problems was lack of appropriate adult supervision. "Play dates" are another source of danger for your children. One of my granddaughters went to the home of church members to play with their daughter and was molested by her older brother. This happened in a community of church members who believe such things do not happen in their area. I see children in stores and on the streets all the time with no adults around and know it is just a matter of time until something terrible happens to one of them. One girl was in a pet store and could have disappeared with no one knowing what happened. I had the store ask over the intercom for her parents and nobody came. I then walked through the entire store with her and no adults related to her were there. I finally found two brothers who were both under ten years old who said they were suppose to be "taking care of her". I wondered who was suppose to be taking care of them also. Just because someone is a member of the church or a relative or friend does not mean they should be responsible for your children when you are not around. I was a school counselor for many years and have heard first hand what happened to many of my students and who committed the crime. Just because you do not hear about these things does not mean they are not happening. Nobody said being a parent would be easy or convient. One has to realize it is at least an 18 year committment to that child who calls you mom or dad.
Moore in Wake Forest, North Carolina
There are too many evil influences today that our young people need to avoid and I see from the article that many bad things get started from sleepovers. I would encourage my grandchildren to be so extremely careful when they want to sleep over. The lateovers ideas are such a good compromise and will protect our children and keep them safe. The parents these days have such a big responsibility to watch over children when they are in your home. Thank you for such an insightful article.
Karen in Texas
Many great observations and suggestions in the article. Good advice, over-all. A couple of my concerns were: 1) In one paragraph about having an alternative "later in the night" get-together, it mentioned 'doing all the things normally done at a slumber party.' This seemed like a negative, to me. Could be left out. 2) When a child needs to call, I would caution that their safe phrase not be misconstrued with a "fib" or a "lie" in order to come home. It could be "I'm not feeling good/well" ... which would be a true statement, since the child is uncomfortable with the activities or discussions/etc. and wants to be picked up. Thanks for the article. Brought many different ideas to my mind.
Shauna in New Mexico
I really appreciate the reinforcement. We adopted that rule after discussion with a friend who was doing it. Her comment, "I deserve to know that my children are home safe in their own beds every night," was exactly how I felt. We have taken a lot of flack from our kids and condescension from well-meaning friends, but we have stuck with it and aren't about to change!
Rebecca in Utah
AMEN!! When my first child was a baby, I was told a similar story of child molestation by a ward member here in Utah. I decided to adopt the "Lateover" so my daughters have grown up with this rule. They've had a lot of fun having friends over late through the years. Of course, we've talked about all of the things they can do when they feel uncomfortable in a situation because a parent can't always be there and I think they feel more confident knowing they can leave at anytime.
Rolayne in Highland, UT
Our children are grown now and so we faced this issue 20 years ago. Our children thought we were so mean with the "NO SLEEPOVER" policy. We were looked at as being 'overly protective' by even those in our ward, community, and family. We stayed strict on it and glad that we did!
John in Parker, Colorado
When I was a scout leader of a large group of 11-year-olds, I decided it would be fun to have a sleepover (since a campout during the winter was beyond the skill of these boys). I figured it'd be safe since we had two adult leaders who stayed awake until all the boys were asleep. However, when I awoke the next morning, I discovered the boys had gotten back up after the adults were asleep. The boys had painted another (who had remained asleep) and used warm water to get him to wet his sleeping bag. While that may not sound that severe, that boy never felt like part of the group again and dropped out of the scout group and the church. That was also the last time I ever held such an event. Unfortunately, the damage was already done -- even under the highest standards and best supervision realistically possible. My children know we don't "do sleepovers" -- we pick them up at 10 or 11 pm. My children thank me -- because they get all the fun without being groggy the next day. And they're free to blame me (I don't mind).
Jeanette in Syracuse, UT
My husband and I both remember the mischief that we were involved in at sleepovers, and recognize other potential problems, so we also have always had a no sleepover rule, opting for "Late Nights" instead. As we discuss this rule with other parents, many come on board as well for various reasons including those listed in this excellent article. Other reasons include the cost involved in feeding hungry kids all night, the thought of not staying up all night to supervise someone else's children. BRAVO for an excellent, timely article!
Lisa in Santa Ana, CA
I remember this was the popular reaction among members of the church when my college age sons were young. It seems that there is a certain amount of peer pressure that occurs when people hear of situations and personal stands from some prominent members of the church that they know. It seems to me that almost every example used as to what can happen at a sleep-over is a great example as to why your child shouldn't be in that home ANYTIME. If you are not very familiar with a family and what their home and lifestyle is, what are you doing letting your child spend ANY time there? Why is an unfamiliar guest sleeping in the same vicinity as your child? Why would your child or anyone else's even be aware of a gun in the home? You don't think they can sneak into a parent's bedroom during the day when playing and mom is in the laundry room? I believe sleep-overs can be fun and safe if parents are AROUND, and present. If your child has friends over, you should be very close by and doors to bedrooms need to be open. Television and computers should be in a very public place. You MUST know the parents of your children's friends very well. Also, a five year old is way too young to have a sleep-over! Be reasonable! Use your best judgement. Follow the promptings of the spirit. Luckily, you are entitled to them especially regarding your own children, and when worthy. Then, make a united decision with your spouse. Each family is different. Each child is different.
sophie in oregon
It has been twenty something years since our family adopted the no-sleepover rule. It has not always been easy to keep everyone happy including the parents and kids doing the inviting. however, we are very firm on this. We tell the kids no sleep overs unless special circumstance we(dad and I) feel good about. this rule came as a result of watching the devastation that took place when the high priest group leader molested two of his daughters friend at sleep overs frequently held at their "fun" house. We also have done the 'stay late' aspect, but they are home in bed and we all sleep better. thank you for your research and article. nice to know someone else has felt the same.
Julie in West Jordan, UT
My daughter has not had the desire to participate in sleepovers yet, however I know that day must come. I'm very grateful for the advise. My sister says she wishes she had established that policy when her children were young. Another sister did and her life was much easier. It's always better when the boundaries are set in advance and then there's no arguments or questions when the time comes. Thanks for saving me a lot of headaches!
Galloway in Kansas
My husband and I have 7 children and have been foster parents to over 60. We still have 5 young children at home. We have always had a no sleepover policy and feel that we have made the right choice. We have gotten many foster children as a result of neglect and some being with others for sleepovers. We have literally seen the results of sleepovers. For our children we do have scheduled mock sleepovers at our own home. As the children age they call it something else, "Hang night", "Friend night", "Game night", ect. My husband and I have date night each Friday. Saturday is then the kids night. We rotate who gets to have friends over depending on our childrens ages. We like that it is on Saturday evening because we all have church the next morning so it helps the teens to be responsible for each other and there is a "known" reason why the fun night can't go on too late. It takes the responsability off of us to cut it too short for their liking. It takes work but we know our children are having fun and are safe at the same time. I am glad to see this article. It will give others who are wondering or haven't even thought about it reason to rethink things about sleepovers. On a side note.. as a foster parent if you allow your foster child to "Sleepover" somewhere you are NOT allowed to let anyone know (because of confidentuality laws) why the child or children are in custody. So the child may have been molested and acting out but you are not allowed to even warn the other parents of this behavior. Makes you think.
Kelly in Reno
Through my own experience I know how damaging sleep-overs can be. Also having a 'no sleep-over' policy (as we do) takes the burden of choice out of the equation as well. We have a couple families in our ward that I know would be safe to allow our daughter to spend the night, but what would happen if we allowed her to and another child found out & offered an invitation that we would deny? Obviously hurt feelings and resentment would follow & rightly so. To just say 'no' everytime stops this problem as well.
Brooke in Maryland
We have young children and have not confronted this issue directly yet, but we have discussed it anyway. We were leaning in the no-sleepover direction, but hadn't finalized our decision. I really appreciate this information!
Warren in Utah
I know the author of this story is over-reacting and probably overly protective of her children. As a psychologist, who works with children who have been sexually abused and with sexually violent predators, I know that intra-familial sexual offending does occur--but not to the extent that we should automatically begin mistrusting our own extended families. Rather, we should be involved with our extended families more and learn more about them, rather than throwing out the idea of trusting family. Intra-familial (including extended familial) sexual abuse is not pandemic. In fact, such abuse occurs much less often than the media, parental fears, and advocacy groups would move us to believe. It does all of us a grave disservice to say we should begin to suspect everyone (which has become interpreted by many as 'every male') as being a possible sex offender/abuser. When a professional reads the sex offending literature, it is seen that child sexual abuse in families and even in the general population,occurs a small percentage of the time. Further, to the one who would say to mistrust all the time so as to avoid the rare time, I would say that you lose much, when you have arrived at a place where you don't trust your family or extended family to not be heinous sex offenders. Be involved with your extended family, stay over with them as a family, see how the family relates to one another. Then if the extended family shows dysfunction and lack of boundaries around modesty, privacy, personal space, etc.--that is the time to begin asking questions @ allowing your children to stay over alone with extended family. Have their children over, talk with them and see how they view the world. Knowledge is the light we seek; mistrust is the darkness, the tomb of relationships. .doc
Lara in paso robles, california
Thanks for a timely piece. Sad as it is, there ARE dangers that innocent minds don't foresee. One overlooked danger from sleepovers is false accusation. It's become very common, and it ruins lives! We suffered such a nightmare at the hands of people we trusted, and although authorities found NO corroboration,(and NOT for a lack of probing!) our little ones were exposed to ugly concepts, and our lives will never be the same. The pain of calumny defies description. We learned the hard way to protect ourselves at every turn, and never being alone with a child, and never leaving children unattended, are vital steps to safety. False accusation will go on, because Satan loves to promote it, but at least we can take some steps to lessen the risk. Thanks for addressing this sensitive topic.
Fawn in Henderson, NV
It is nice to be validated through this article. We have the "no sleepovers" rule in our home. When we have had to explain the rule to the parents of our 11-year-old's friends after an invitation, they have been very understanding and even made sure all the fun activities happened before our son had to leave (11pm). They even invited him back over in the morning for breakfast. Our son did not complain and seemed glad to sleep in his own bed. Sticking to this rule has been easier than I thought it would. It is easier than picking and choosing who he can and can't sleep over with.
Lisa in Utah
A fun thing we have tried is having a "mother / daughter sleep over. Mom's come over with their daughters and they either sleep over, or come for a late night. We have a great and safe time together!
Selina in Utah
I really appreciated your article on sleepovers. I have six children and stopped sleepovers after hearing about a neighbor of mine who only allowed sleepovers with cousins. So, we call them lateovers. With the world increasing in violence and pornography, I have peace at night knowing where my children are and knowing that they are safe in their own beds. Thank You for your article. S.D. West Jordan, Utah
Mills in SLC, ut
Although I agree that sleepovers have the potential for our children to be placed in dangerous situations and give them the opportunity to make bad choices, I have rescinded our no sleepover rule that has been in our home. I believe that children left alone in any situation, over night or not, are open to making bad decisions. I am not inclined to believe that the sleeping arrangements are the issue. Things can happen during the afternoon after school just as easily. I found out the hard way that never allowing children to sleep anywhere but home offers its own unique problem. My 12 year old boy had never had a sleep over. He was quite comfortable at home and nowhere else. Enter his first weeklong scout camp. Three and a half hours from home. Thank heaven it was three and a half hours away. If it were close, it would have been too easy to rescue him when he called home at 11pm. My point is this. Venturing out in the world a little allows our children the opportunity to develop necessary life skills. Learning to sleep away from home is one of those skills. We have had bevys of homesick missionaries return home because they were unable to function away from home. So, as parents, we are luckily able to reconsider some of our previous rules and change them when necessary. Though it is necessary to carefully consider the home of anyone that children are allowed to stay over with, careful choosing can allow children to gain necessary skills and not render them "handicapped" in any way. Incidentally, I think it is just as easy to locate horror stories of things that have happened anywhere at any time of day as it is to draw from those that happened just during the evening hours. Children are harmed, molested, and exposed to the unsavory elements at many times and many places. Judicious guarding of them and careful consideration is they key, in an attempt to protect and avoid any wrongdoing.
Oma in Houston, Texas
I have two daughters that are in the stage of wanting to attend sleepovers. It is really hard to say "no" when their friends are having sleepover birthday parties, but I have come to the decision that their safety and innocence is more important than the supposed "fun" they think they will have at a sleepover. Reading the article gave me validation for the feelings I have been having about sleeping over. It was very timely. Thank you!
A in NM
Although I am assured you meant well by this article, it wasn't well researched, and I am sure many of your stories are no more then pure hearsay. Articles like this do nothing more then instill fear and anxiety in those who read it. I also fear that it makes many parents question relationships children have with their peers. I have found the solution to this problem very simple. As a girl who participated in many sleepovers over the years, I am proud to say we never participated in anything of this sort. I was raised by a mother who instilled Christlike values in me, therefore it was more then easy to avoid dangerous situations. Most of my friends where non-members who also had the same strong values that I had, so it was easy to make good choices. I think the same applies to all parents. Teach your children right, and they will more then likely make the right choices.
E in Mapleton
I have had a no sleepover rule for many years and interestingly get more slack from other parents than from my children. I get really frustrated when it's a parent begging me for a sleepover when my child is not! I believe in my policy and would be appreciative if others would respect it.
Janet in Bountiful
Thanks for a great article and another validation that what my husband and I are doing as a family, concerning sleepovers, is okay. As I read the article I very well could have signed it. Every bit of it sounded just like our rules and our responses to our children and to neighbors and friends and relatives. Our oldest daughter is 31 and we have had the same policy in place since she was young. Our youngest is 13 and even though she questions us sometime, she doesn't give us too hard of a time. Our now 29 year old son, when he was on a mission in Brazil several years ago, wrote a letter home once and said, "Dear Mom, thanks for never letting us have any sleepovers, or friends, or any parties, or letting us go to anyone's house...." etc. etc. etc. (He was being sarcastic about most of that stuff.) Then he went on to explain all the problems that families have with their children that have little or no supervision. He thanked me for being a watchful parent. When some friends and some family members say that we need to let our children make their own choices, I half jokingly said that my children couldn't make choices until they were 25. (we wish) Some parents, unfortunately, use "the choice" excuse for not being an attentive parent. Thanks again for a wonderful, informative article.
Robert in Mission BC Canada
Great article!I agree. But it opens a can of worms that we need to show our kids to protect their precious minds & souls. Consider what influential older kids can do when yours are with them at Scout camps and School sports trips overnight maybe a long way from home in billet homes or groups. Those are places they cannot call home with secret code words, and if they walk out there is no place to go. Satan is clever and devious and our kids NEED to be warned about the many ways he will use others to pollute their minds and bodies to win a few more to his side. It needs a real effort not just token "Have a good time, see you later."
Dorothy in Wisconsin
I think this is very good advice as the world we live in is getting so confusing for our youth. We don't always know the other persons views on things that they find acceptable. It is always better to be sake then sorry.
Teresa in Washington State
I enjoyed this thought provoking article. I guess I would like input on how Scout overnights and Girls camp are handled. They seem to have the same things that can happen as sleep-overs yet because they are 'church sanctioned' should they be deemed 'safe'? Just wondering how other families handle these sleep overs.
Michael in Concord, California
Years ago we allowed our son to have a sleep over. We thought we were very protective of the activities of the night. However, in the middle of the night after all were supposedly asleep an activity occured that upset one of our guests. He called his mom to come and pick him up and take him home. This was made know to us the next morning. We were horrified. Because of the "show off" factor things can happen in your own home that you would never allow. When all are settled down to sleep - all are NOT settled down to sleep.
Dale in Arkansas
How I wish someone had offered this guidance to me when I was a child and the mother of a young child. I admonish all parents and care-givers of children to read and heed this advice. It might be the reason you avoid many heartaches in life. Thank you, LDSLiving, for caring enough to publish this. Give us more like it.
Rhonda in Louisiana
I just wanted to point out that this was not just about sexual abuse but other rules and influences your kids are exposed to. You seem to think also that all cases of abuse are reported and this shows it is small. You may be in a field that deals with therapy but haven't taken a look around either. I was abused by my grandfather as a child. I had a cousin (my age) on the other side of the family that wanted to do "show and tell" and an older cousin (adult in his 30's) that tried inappropriate things. I never reported or told my parents until I was in my 20's and it wasn't because I couldn't talk to my parents. The feeling of shame/blame game is powerful. I also have an uncle that lived in another state from us, who was a police officer, took my girl cousin's out to "teach" them to drive when they were teenagers and raped them. They told no one because of fear and not wanting to hurt his wife, who was a much beloved aunt. It totally ruined their lives. There has been other instances in my family where the children have been exposed to those that were "acting out" after an act of abuse against them. All I'm saying is that I would rather err on the side of caution and safety than not. I just don't think YOU realize how prevalent it is in the world today. Go on the website in your area for sexual offenders... you will be amazed how many are living in your backyard. I have 3 within walking distance last time I checked, one of those was living one road over in the neighborhood where we lived.
Cindy in Utah
We have always had a no sleepover policy and a few times my children have asked and we have not wavered. Of course we have had other parents tell us that our boys would not be able to make it at scout camp if we didn't let them "practice" before then. NOT TRUE! I've had 5 boys make it at their very first camp and we now have a missionary who made it through with the minimal standard homesickness! Imagine that! We have really been blessed because of the decision we made many years ago and I encourage anyone considering making that decision to do it. It has really made things simple!
Eric in Anchorage, Alaska
We are supposed to put ourselves up as examples of inclusiveness and love--just read almost every speech from almost every October 2008 conference, to say nothing of earlier, and the words of the Savior. Besides, how do our children form sociability and real trusting friendships than in these first steps? Besides that, I will simply echo the comments of Mills and Warren.
Cathy in California
I appreciate the feelings behind this article, but I feel that it is another indication that Latter-day Saints tend to go a bit overboard in trying to protect their kids or "do the right thing." One-upping a rule that does exist eventually can lead to the Jews' pattern of adding on more and more laws that never were intended. Just because a few individuals had some problems with sleepovers (these were given as "evidence" for support of the claim of this article) does not mean that we should just cancel them altogether. I too grew up going to sleepovers but as with any activity held with other children/teens, during the day or a weekend or whenever, at someone else's home, (or even at one's own home) it is important for a child/teen to be fully established in his/her own values and know when to say when. I have always felt it is important for me as a parent to "vet" out the potential friends/sleepover location, but I feel it is also important for my daughter to be prepared for any situation in which she will need to take a stand on her own values. And child molestations can happen anywhere, anytime. Keeping a child home from a sleepover may cut that one in a hundred-thousand chance it would happen there, rather than somewhere else. We can't keep our kids home all the time and shield them from everything. Yes, this world is scary and there are lots of bad people and bad things out there, but it was never intended for us to keep our children in our homes constantly. Give them wings.
M in Washington
I guess I am the only one who is a supporter of sleepover, with parameters of course. If you are comfortable having your children play at someone's house all day, I don't see the issue with the sleepover. It is important that the parent's have a close relationship and know the families well. It's a part of childhood. A sleepover now and again (with 1 other child, NOT a group) is more fun an exciting then the child going home at 10pm. I just laughed all the way through this article, sorry.
Brigitte in Florida
I think that this article is a little over done. I do not think that you are bad for adopting this policy but I don't think that it is totally necessary. People do not only drink, do drugs, molest or watch inappropriate shows at night. These things can happen at all times of the day. You should always know who your child’s friends are and set them up with a firm foundation in the Gospel. They will know right and wrong. As they age they will have to decide from themselves what is right. Believe me I would love to keep my children in a perfect little bubble but that is not realistic. Sleepovers can encourage bonding and lots of good clean fun!
John in Parker, Colorado
Teresa from Washington State asked for “input on how Scout overnights and Girls camp are handled.” The first thing you need to know is whether or not ALL of the adults attending the camp have received “Youth Protection Training?” (And, yes, I recommend Girls’ Camp leaders should get the Boy Scout Youth Protection Training too.) Are they following all of the guidelines – particularly two-deep leadership and separate sleeping arrangements? Are the boys/girls sleeping in pairs or trios (not singly or in huge groups)? About the only time an adult leader should be “alone” with the youth is in a car full of youth in sight of another car full of youth being driven by another adult. There’s no such thing as absolute security, but leaders following the BSA guidelines come as close as possible. What can’t be tolerated are leaders who think “it’s no big deal” or “I was in scouts as a kid, so I have no need to be trained.” As for a “no sleepover” policy “going overboard,” I think that’s true only if one thinks the only danger is sexual in nature. My experience is that most sleepover problems are of the peer-pressure and cruelty varieties. Keep in mind that, at some point in the sleepover, it’s likely there will be no adult supervision. You may know the neighbor. Your child may be a perfect angel. But how well do you know each and every one of the other children? Which one of them will be the “alpha” when it comes to putting on the peer pressure? If you don’t know, the sleepover’s not safe. Make it a safe “lateover” instead.
mary in nevada
I understand your concern for sleepovers and know that peer pressure is prevalent at a sleep over but I don't think avoiding them is the issue. You cannot shelter your children from the world when they are young otherwise when they are older and go off to college or some camp (even EFY)! they will rebel. I had sleep overs and I went to sleep overs. I remember being asked to do bad things whether it was toliet papering a house or worse viewing nudity. I remember saying yes to some and no to a lot of others. I am glad I was exposed to these things because I learned for myself how to say no. My mother didn't do it for me. I also have a wonderful mother who would always "screen" my friends and their parents if I ever went to someone's house or they came to mine. I would say for me that is the best way to do sleep overs. You have to go with your gut feeling about people and then decide if the sleepover is ok or not. Sleepovers are a big social event for children and it is a chance for children to learn to say yes, no, and to understand what freedom is.
Kristy in herriman
Those of you who think this author is overboard, watch out!!! You can never protect your child too much. I think you are running blind to think that teaching your child correct principles and then putting them in a potentially dangerous situation, that they will be fine. Of course we teach correct principles to our children, but as the parent, we then help them to keep themselves out of situations that could harm them. We also have a "no sleep-over" policy. We too, have had more flack from parents than friends. But, interestly, those parents have also now adopted the policy. I tell my children that I like to know exactly where they are at night, and they should be sleeping in our home, with us! I also like to know they got a good night's sleep. Who likes to put up with an grouchy child Saturday morning because they stayed up too late Friday night. NOT ME! We do late-nights, we do scout camp-outs, we do night-games, but we do NOT do sleep-overs. We have permanent curfews that vary for the age of our children. We also have cell phones that we can find them anytime we need to and also ask what they are doing. This gives the children freedom to establish their own independance, but as parents, we have peace of mind. Great article. I think I'll have my teens read it!!!
Shirley in New Zealand
My parents were definitely all for a "no sleepover" policy while I was growing up. Even when it came to extended family, these were limited and they usually would pick us up in the early hours of the morning on returning from their monthly temple trips. When I was a kid, I never understood why my parents weren't as "cool" as my friends' parents were, as it seemed I always missed out on the more "fun" parts of childhood. This later extended to my time in the youth. When I first moved up, my parents were very particular about which activities I could attend. I remember alot of activities involved either being combined with the priesthood at a particular family's residence, or having sleepovers for the young women (knowing there were adult ysa men living in the same place). If you had asked me back then what I would choose, I might have gone with the sleepovers - of course being with your peers without always having your parents around is an exciting thing for a young person. If you were to ask me now, I would say how grateful I am that my parents were firm in their own standards within our family. I don't know if it is fair to say, but while we missed out on alot of the "innocent" fun growing up, we also were lucky enough to miss out on some of the more lasting consequences that befell most of my youth peers who fell away from Church activity and found "fun" other places other than home. Now that I am in law enforcemnet, I can see the pits that children in our community are falling into and I believe it stems from the idea that some parents might have that their children are equipped to handle life on their own - The irony is that these same parents then blame everyone else when their child becomes the victim of substance abuse, or sexual abuse, or becomes involved in deliquent behaviour. It never ceases to amaze me, the amount of children I see wandering the dark streets after 10pm, as though they have no home to go to. I think this topic definitely opens up alot more issues then just the topic of sleeping over. I also believe that the home is where parents can teach their children correct principles and where they can learn to deal with life - there is no substitute for that, no sleepover can ever teach that to a child. Sleepovers are during the time that Satan has more power - at night. And when the cats away, the mice will play - given the opportunity. The Gospel teaches us that children are their parents' responsibility, not just for their physical welfare but also for their spiritual. I will be forever grateful to my parents for being such faithful stewards in that regard.
Gail in Colorado
I completely agree with the article. What you could do when you were young is completely different now, and will continue to be different for our children and grand children. In response to Warren from UT - yes, it is very important that you don't completely trust immediate or extended family. To many uncles and brothers with roaming hands. Better to be safe than sorry and do the court thing and residential treatment centers!! To A from NM - you can teach your children until you're blue in the face, and they will do exactly what they want no matter where or when. You were very lucky - the rest of us have normal children.
Kathy in pleasanton
I have to respectfully disagree with your opinion. The very valid concerns you have could happen at any day or evening activity, unfortunately. Why would you let your kids go to Girls' Camp, Scout Camp, EFY if you won't allow them to have a sleepover? They're essentially "sleepovers". All of your concerns could occur there as well. I had a wonderful time at the sleepovers I attended as a child, and love continuing the tradition with my own kids. I love to hear the giggling and fun they're having. They bake cookies, watch movies, and just have so much fun. I know EXACTLY what they're up to (I sleep in the downstairs bedroom when one occurs and I don't go to sleep til they do - I'm a night owl so it's not hard). Of course I'm vigilant about where they stay, but again whatever could happen overnight could happen any time of day. I appreciate your care and concerns though.
Dustin in Logan, UT
I am confused... Where do these overzealous ideals and beliefs come from? Certainly not our church leaders. I have been a member of the church my whole life and I can remember quite clearly that we are taught that we are supposed to live IN the world... just not of the world. This does not mean we are to seperate ourselves out from those who do not mirror an equally fanatical belief system. I grew up in a good, strong household and I will tell you what... I attended many many sleepovers at numerous houses with members and non-members alike in attendence. Sure there were times when beliefs differed and standards varied...but thats life people. Surprisingly enough, there were even times that I, a wiley child/teenager with adventure and life on my mind....like ALL children/teenagers.... called up my parents and went home because I was uncomfortable. I want to echo what a couple of people have said previously... Sexual abuse is uncommon. It happens and it is terribly sad, but we, as Warren has said, cannot allow a few stories (perhaps even hearsay) to cause our fear to escalate to the point where we no longer trust others...especially family. Furthermore, our children will face peer pressure and opporunity for sin in many places and in many forms. All we can do is teach our child to live a good life. They have to be able to make their own decisions or they will never survive. I am pretty sure thats why our Father chose Christ's plan and not Satan's. So that we could chose and learn...not be directed and end up nieve and unable to progress. In conclusion... there are a few people that need a reality check before its too late. You cannot keep your children from sin. Do not prevent your children from playing with non-member children nor prevent them from having good learning/strengthening/enjoyable experiences with their friends... whatever their religion. Teach them the good of life and let them...live.
Cheri in California
When my husband and I started our family he was adamant that we not let our children sleep overnight anywhere unless one of us went along. Including relatives homes. It has caused some difficult times with my daughters but we are very sure that we are doing the right thing. Times are different now than they were when I was a youth. Society was not as permissive and there were more boundaries. Youth today do not seem to be bound by rules as they used to be. I do not feel it is safe to send my children out overnight even with relatives.