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Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy

by Merrilee Boyack

We often feel guilty about all the things we should be doing. But taking a little time for ourselves will help us feel energized, joyful, and more charitable towards others, including our own families.

I remember the day quite clearly. I had
had a rough week caring for my four
little boys. It was Saturday. And my sweet
husband said to me, "Why don't you go have
fun? I'll take care of the kids." I thought that
was a stellar idea. I got in the van (which I
lovingly call "The Mother Ship") and sat.
Where to go? What to do? I sat for a long
time.

My organized, serious mind went to
work. Well, I should go get the grocery shopping
caught up. I should probably drop by my visiting
teachees and take them a treat. I should go to the
club and exercise. Down the list my mind went.
And then my fun side spoke up. You have the
whole day! Go do something fun! You can do anything
you want!

I can't remember what I did that
Saturday, but I remember that mental debate
quite clearly.

Tossing the Guilt

I know I'm not the only one who faces this
dilemma. Listen and see if any of these
voices sound familiar:

"A hot bath sounds wonderful right now,
but I'd better finish this project for work."

"I feel guilty any time I leave my kids in
order to do something for myself."

"I didn't send out a Christmas letter last
year; I'd better do a spring letter immediately.
I don't know--does that sound dumb?"

Do you feel stressed, overworked, resentful,
frustrated, or any of those other lovely
draining adjectives that seem to define
womanhood?
I hit my max at one point
when I had four little boys ages nine and
under, and a new Dalmatian puppy. I felt
like I had a shackle on each limb, plus a neck
chain! I think the best word to describe my
state of being was "confined."

It was at this point that my husband
suggested that maybe I take some time for
myself and go play. That seemed like a good
idea. But I literally could not think of what I
wanted to do! It was like my play button had
been disconnected for so long that I couldn't
even come up with one thing that sounded
fun or appealing.

I began calling other women to see if
they wanted to do something, and one after
another declined. "Oh, I'm sorry, but I've got
a big week at work this week." "I'm just really
busy with the kids." "I have too much on my
plate right now." Not one would take the time
to go have fun!

Catching the Joy

I decided that playtime was something I
would have to do for myself. So I began to
ponder: What did I want to do? Now, I figure
that many of us are in this position. So
let's do a little experiment: Close your eyes
and remember what you were like when you
were sixteen. What did you like to do?

Now a simple question: Why aren't you
doing that stuff now? And, more broadly,
why don't women play? The answer is quite
clear: Women feel guilty. We feel guilty about
all the things we should be doing.

"I can't go on a date with my husband
because I should spend more quality time
with our children."

"I can't exercise because I should clean the
house."

"I can't take up a hobby because I should
do my family history work."

President Hinckley, whom I loved for his
sense of humor, said, "In all of living have
much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed,
not just endured." Let's face it. Isn't that what
we want for our children? Isn't that what we
want for ourselves? So let's throw off our
guilt like an old coat that doesn't fit anymore
and bring more fun, laughter, and joy into
our lives. Let's catch some joy!

Personal Play Plan

If you're like me, it may take a while to get
in touch with those joyful feelings again.
That's okay. Just take the time to write down
what you like to do or what you would like to
do. Take a cruise? Learn to oil paint? Write a
book? Spend more time with the grandchildren?
Start your list now, and let it grow year
after year.

Second, start small, but do start. You may
not be able to go scuba diving immediately,
but you could take a mask and snorkel to
the ocean and try it out. You may not be able
to write an entire book right now, but you
could write a short essay or start a blog. The
important thing is to start. Start this week.
Pick some small part you can do now and do
it! Trust that over time your talent--and your
joy--will grow.

Third, own your joy. I promise you that
you will probably encounter resistance. One
thing that brings me pure joy is taking a nap.
Like the rest of you, my days
are often exhausting! So I take a nap whenever
I can.

Owning Your Joy

One day I was sleeping and my son answered
the phone. It was the lady from the insurance
company. I returned her call later in the day.
I will always remember her snide and snippy
voice. "Well," she said in a huff, "I hope you
enjoyed your nap!" I laughed, "Yes, I did!
And I'm hoping to take one again tomorrow."
She was not amused . . . but I sure was!

It seems people don't like it when you
rock the boat. If you're going around with
a giddy smile on your face, they're going
to be jealous. If you're talking about some wonderful thing you're doing, they may not
want to hear it. That's okay. Own your joy
anyway!

We may have to be relentless in our pursuit
to bring play back into our lives. Yes, to
everything there is a time and a season, but
no season should be pure drudgery. Never
let someone else's reaction interrupt your
pursuit of your joy.

Finally, cut yourself some slack! This
Personal Play Plan is not another to-do list to
flog yourself with. This is a suggestion for a
way that might help you catch the joy in
your life.

I remember running into a woman a year
after I had spoken on this subject. "Well, I
haven't gone on my cruise yet. I guess I've
failed," she said. Here was a woman who had
missed the trees of joy in the forest of guilt.

I stopped right there. "Have you thought
about it this past year?"

She smiled and her face lit up. "Yes, I
have thought about it. And I've been talking
to other people about it. I haven't decided
where to go yet, but I've been saving my
money. I've been studying about Germany,
and I'm thinking about maybe doing one of
those river cruises." For her, even planning
the fun had become fun in and of itself.

There is something wonderful that will
happen when you begin to catch the joy
again in your life--a ripple effect will grow.
You'll have more to talk about with others.
I was visiting an office recently and one
young woman told me all about her upcoming
humanitarian trip to Mexico for a charity
she was working with. Another middle-aged
woman related to me the story of her latest
scuba dive trip. Another woman talked about
a book she was writing. And yet another
woman shared with me all the things she was
doing with her grandchildren. What a wonderful
experience! I was so energized just
by talking to all of these women who were
actively pursuing fun in a variety of ways.

Imagine the end of your day as you're
sitting with your roommates over dinner or
with your husband and kids. "Guess what
I learned about today? I studied the white
rhinoceros in Zambia. It was fascinating!
And I was able to rollerblade around the
entire block with the dog without falling
down once!" You will be quite an interesting
person!

Serving Others

Another result of making time to play will be
that you will have more energy in your tanks
to serve others and do all those necessary
things in your life. We have so many things
that we must do, so many plates to keep spinning.
But if we never stop to catch some joy,
the guilt will burn us up.

I'm constantly explaining this concept
to mothers of young children. Having some
personal time is extremely difficult, and
many moms say they feel guilty just taking
those brief times away from their children.
I ask them to stop and think about how
they feel after their break. Most moms feel
energized
and ready to go back and tackle
the real world.

This is also true of women who are working
full time. It can be so hard to take time
off to find some personal joy. And yet, when
they do, they find they have much more
stamina to return to their work duties.

Finally, when we make the effort to fill
our lives with more joy, we find that we are
filled with greater charity. We will notice
others
more and have the energy and interest
to reach out and help them. Guilt is a very
selfish endeavor, and when we are swept up
in feeling that way, it's like we have blinders
on. When we can toss the guilt aside, we can
find the joy that comes when we help others
and are aware of their needs and concerns.

Each day that we toss the guilt aside
and catch the joy can be the best day of our
lives. Each day can have moments of joy--
breathtaking moments, quiet moments,
invigorating moments, sweet moments of joy.
And that is worth the effort.

---

Merrilee Browne Boyack is a popular
speaker at BYU Education Week and Time
Out for Women events. She is the author
of Strangling Your Husband Is NOT an
Option, 52 Weeks of Fun Family Service,
and Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy,
from which this article is excerpted.