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Magazine Features
Dealing with Infertility
Excerpted from Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healingby Kerstin Daynes
In December of 2003, the thing I had feared for nearly five years was confirmed: I was infertile. Feelings of despair and betrayal flooded my life, and I felt isolated in my silent sorrow.
After I learned I was infertile, I sought help and guidance from many places; I wanted to read more about other women who knew exactly how I felt, and I wanted to make connections with those who had walked the path I was walking.
With the statistics showing that one out of seven couples has difficulty conceiving, the number of couples in our wards, branches, and stakes that are affected by this disease is significant. As if affects so many, how could there be so little information from a Latter-day Saint perspective on the topic? Infertility is a very real disease that brings overwhelming stress, hidden losses, and associated feelings of inadequacy, sadness, and isolation. I have felt all of these; but I have also learned to feel joy, strength, and power. My desire is to offer hope to those who also carry this burden.
Reacting to Comments from Others
One of the hardest things to deal with is leaving the house and facing people - including the things people say. We have all heard someone say, "Relax! You are trying too hard!" to a woman who wants to get pregnant. In actuality, some couples dealing with infertility truly need to "try harder" to conceive since the process is, in some way, flawed for them.
I am certain we could all sit down and make an exhaustive list of the hurtful things we have heard people say. Some I have forgotten, others make me smile, while other still haunt me. Here are a few I have collected:
"It will all work out in the Lord's time."
"Don't worry. You will be blessed to be a mother in the eternities."
"So, when are you going to have a baby?"
"Enjoy your time together while you can."
"I bet working in the nursery is great birth control."
"You have no idea how lucky you are that you don't have to worry about children. You can have one of mine."
It has taken a long time to get to this point, but I am beginning to see comments and questions regarding my infertility as a door being opened for discussion. When you feel comfortable offering some information, it's best to keep it simple, direct, and maybe even a bit vague. Here are some suggestions of what to say when the questions come:
"We are ready for children whenever they join our family."
"There is a time and season for everything in life. Children come in a different time and season for every couple."
"Our family consists of me and my husband/wife right now."
"We are confronting some issues as we try to have a family. We are working with a highly skilled physician and feel confident in his/her abilities. We appreciate you being supportive and understanding."
I think I have used every one of these and several others; they usually move the conversation in another direction. Many times, responding this way makes the questioner realize the magnitude of the question they asked. So my suggestion to you is to come up with a response that you and your spouse will use when the situation arises.
Supporting Someone Who Has Fertility Challenges
As I prepared to share my feelings about infertility with my mother, I remember wondering exactly how she would be able to relate. After all, my mom and dad began their family with my older sister who came nine months after they were married and had seven children in thirteen years. I knew that she could not empathize, but I also knew that she sincerely wanted to understand. I realized that I could choose to be angry that her ease of having children did not qualify her to adequately comfort me. Or I could choose to play a pivotal role in teaching her about this sorrow that was unknown to her.
This is written to the mothers, fathers, siblings, and friends of those who experience infertility. Your willingness and ability to help bear the burden of infertility will make the pain more bearable and the sorrow not so deep. Here are some things to consider.
The gospel is family-oriented, as it should be, but it is often hard for a couple dealing with infertility to be reminded of it so often. We find joy in our relationships with those we love and feel comforted that family relationships continue eternally. It is important to remember that families are not just moms and dads with children. A family can be just a husband and wife. A family begins with a husband and wife. A family continues through the experiences of life whether there are no children, one child, or ten children. Make sure that, in cases of infertility, you help couples feel that they are a legitimate family.
Be genuine. Don't fake it. If you fake it, they will know. Are you asking them questions about their infertility because you are curious, because you have stewardship over the couple, or because you heard from someone else about their infertility? Or are you asking them because you are concerned about them and want to offer your support? What will you do with the information you gather? Remember that a truly genuine friend asks questions out of deep concern and love. A genuine friend will offer support and strength no matter what happens. This friend will carefully guard the information gathered and will respect the couple's wishes of who they want to know.
Couples experiencing infertility may be sensitive to announcements of pregnancy, overemphasis on children, or baby showers. Handle these topics with sensitivity. Invite women to baby showers, but do not be offended if they choose not to come. Make sure lessons in Sunday meetings are geared toward men and women across all life situations, taking into account those who are single or childless, those who have children, and those who are empty nesters. Additionally, provide activities that similarly apply to all. Be careful not to make children seem like a requirement.
Be careful about what you say. Infertile couples need less advice and more understanding. They will talk if they want to and if they see a caring friend. If you initiate the conversation, be sure you are motivated by compassion. As you discuss the topic of infertility with a couple, try not to act like the expert and as though you know what their specific problem is. Rather, allow the person experiencing the problem to do most of the talking. Ask questions to clarify and to gain a greater understanding so you can be better educated. Consider saying, "I just can't imagine what you are feeling. Describe it to me so that I can try to understand."
It can be harmful to bring up a story of how someone else got pregnant or how someone you know is experiencing infertility. Instead of offering help, you are taking the focus away from the couple. Provide a listening ear and gentle kindness.
One last thing: Be a good parent yourself. Recognize the truly magnificent gift you have - children. Treat your children well. Teach them. Cherish them.
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Allie in iowa
I have also received bizarre comments from branch members regarding infertility such as: (1) "No kids? Oh, that's right; you are a convert"; (2) "You chose your career over motherhood?"; (3) Kids are a lot of WORK!; (4) Anyone can be a mother; you get to be a lawyer; (5) Please come to the mother daughter brunch and help me with my daughters (and then she sat at a different table and didn't speak to me). I find a simple, direct answer "I'm infertile but we hope to adopt." is the best response. It halts unrighteous judgment, including mine.
Kenya in SLC
Although infertily can be a painful situation, we as LDS member are "trained" and have the knowledge to have faith in the Lord whouth out making ourselves the victims of a catastrophe. We even know that death, as sad as it is, Is only a step. As an outsider, people shouldn't be careful of cherishing their own children infront of you just because of your situation. We move on, we don't feel sorry for ourselves. After all, this human body is just part of a long process. Feeling sorry for ourselves or judging others because they don't feel sorry for you is not what we are here for. We are soldiers and as such , we keep fighting and finding other solutions to fill that void. Adoption, surrogates and artificial incimination are some options that are available in our times. Maybe we should focus in the good newas, that we live in a era full of options. Afterall the glass is half full, and not half empty. Is the Paradigma that has to be change from within us.
Kristen in Idaho
Thank you for this article on infertility. We have experienced many of the things mentioned in the article as we have tried to bring children into our family and appreciate the reminder that we can find hope in this struggle.
Katie in California
Kenya, I appreciate your reminder of the focusing on the positive; it is a person's choice to focus on the negative. But I don't think this article is condoning feeling sorry for oneself. On the contrary, it is trying to help people take a proactive approach in involving themselves with others, despite a condition that might alienate them in a culture where families are (rightly) emphasized. It also makes an effort to educate those who might want to reach out to others on a sensitive issue but don't know how.
I agree that we need to remember the eternal perspective that the gospel teaches us and avoid taking offense when none is intended. But we should be also taking opportunities to learn about other perspectives and be sensitive to the heartaches of those around us, taking care to avoid barging on blindly, doing things or making comments that might hurt someone else.
Julianne in Bentonville, AR
I appreciated that this article pointed out the importance of making sure lesson and activities are relevant to people in all life situations. I'm single and just as described in this article, it is sometimes painful to be in meetings that are entirely about kids, or marriage or whatever. I too am subjected to similarly well-meaning-but-still-rude comments/questions regarding my marital status (or lack thereof) and have struggled to find ways to respond kindly but truthfully. Christ was inclusive of everyone regardless or life path, status, sinner or saint...and I only hope we can all continue to try to be more considerate and inclusive of those outside of the traditional Mormon mold.
Susan in Utah
My mother always made comments about 2 of her nieces which I always thought was hurtful, but dis-tasteful as well. She always said "They don't know how to make babies." She is the kind of person that speaks loudly, so that everyone around can hear, including my cousins.
Kerstin in Utah
First of all, I appreciate LDS Living for sharing this compilation of excerpts from my book. Secondly, I appreciate the comments and the perspectives which have been added. It is always interesting to hear others ideas and experiences because they add so much value. May I add that the book as a whole offers a wonderful perspective of using the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ to heal our hearts and to help us find happiness and peace in life. This article is comprised of small portions from several chapters linked together to give the LDS Living audience a small taste of what is offered in "Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing". For more information about the book, please visit www.ldsinfertilitybook.com or view the trailer for the book at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umNbuorWzOk.
Abigail in australia
Acceptance leads to progress that's all l know. Thank you Kenya. Glad there is still people like you around! I may be in this situation myself at my age. I plan to accept and live accordingly and not look for the world to orient itself around my needs. I don't want to train people to walk on eggshells if I consider myself unfortunate. That would be very small of me. I want to be strong like my Mom! Third world countries really stand out in terms of character development. I think they're much stronger than us in so many ways...If there is a season for self pity let it be short then begin to be creative. Being creative like our creator is what we are here for! Create despite that you think you can't. Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.
Jeri in VA
Great article, anyone who knows someone dealing with infertility should read it. The best/worst comment I ever got was "I know how you feel, I have to wait nine whole months before I get to hold my baby." People are funny!
victoria in canada
Kenya, John 11 gives us a perfect example of what Jesus Christ would do when facing someone going through much pain and sorrow. Jesus came to Bethany at the request of Mary and Martha because their brother Lazarus, whom Christ loved, was gravely ill. By the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus was already dead for 4 days. What did Jesus do when He saw the body of Lazarus? “Jesus wept.” John 11:5 Did Jesus lack faith or an eternal perspective? Why did He weep when He knew He could raise Lazarus from the dead? Only God fully understands all our sorrows. There are times when He too weeps with us. One of the kindest things we can do when we don’t know what to say is to say nothing. Try saying prayers instead to help the person you care about. From the Mother of a Daughter who can’t have children
Jennifer in Ohio
I really appreciate this article and anything regarding infertility written from an LDS perspective, as long as it addresses the need for compassion and understanding toward infertile couples. I to have struggled with infertility and it has been very difficult. I disagree with any comment about how people in this situation should not feel sorry for themselves. Feeling sorry for yourself is not very productive, but it is definitely part of the grieving process. A person must go through the grieving process to adequately heal and accept their situation. If we could all be like Job that would be great, but the truth is, it takes a long time for most of us to get to that point and we shouldn't beat up ourselves over it too much. We also shouldn't let other people tell us how we should or shouldn't feel. Infertility is an intensely personal thing. It is hard to discuss, especially at church where people tend to ask more personal questions. Although I have adopted a beautiful little girl and now enjoy the blessings of motherhood, I do remember all too well the heartache I experienced before I became a mother. What I needed as an infertile woman and still need, is for the people at church just to accept me the way I am and stop asking questions.
ERICK DAVID in GUATEMALA
I am a Doctor and I have some experience in Fertility problems, my advice!pray for the solution! may sound hard but what my intent is good, in my practice is frequent when I have to say a couple that they would not be able to have a baby, I have noticed some interesting fact is almost always there is some factor affecting the fertility of the other spouse, this is something that inspired me to know that every couple is not join by chance, is our heavenly Fathe, that decides when and where we come to earth and with whom we shall be, to obtain what is the best for us, another thing is that the most painful the notice more is the question why me? if I am doing the best I can to serve and live according to the will of the Lord, for a personal experience I know this question only give rise to more pain. My suggestion is simple and difficult, is to try to find the solution depending of the cause, there are some times that the best solution is adoption. Let me share just one of the multiple stories of miracles that I know, some years ago a woman 42 years old came to me for tube surgery, she have ben summited to at least two previous procedures, I deny to perform another one and suggest to adopt a baby she get angry and after the saying of not so pleasant words to me leave my office six months later she came back and ask me how do I recommend to adopt the baby I give the instructions and she came back some months after with a beautiful baby boy with the amazing resembles to the father ( she even say to me I could even think is his but I was the one that make all the procedures and the one that picks him up -they are not members-). This boy grows up to 3 years old and she became pregnant (with bilateral tubal obstruction) and she gives birth a beautiful baby girl. Yeas after waiting to be seeing by a pediatrician another mother say to her !Your son is like seeing your husband! but the is nothing like you or his(referring to the girl), I was speaking with my secretary and I saw her face when the comment was saying, she look to me and smile. I know miracles can and happen, I have witness innumerable of them, ours sons are his first and our Celestial Father can send them in whatever way to us. I bear my witness of that. Dr. Erick Flores
Kenya in SLC
Katie in Ca. you are right.. so right.. I think somewhere during this battle I forgot what being sensitive is. I have become cold in order to protect myself from others. I have lost sensitivity towards my harship and in the way I have lost sensitivity towards other's hardship. Thank you, this week I should focus more in defrost my heart and really listen to others.
S.M. in Idaho
I appreciate this article on the experience of infertility. Many years and some adopted children later, I still remember the pain we felt. I also remember the miracle of having our spirits healed and knowing that Heavenly Father still loves us. That comes in a different way and at a different time for each couple and the journey is a major trial and test of faith. Infertility is a very real loss with very real grief for the end of cherished dreams. It involves wondering whether you've offended God, even if you've tried your best to live the gospel. Everyone going through this has a different response. I know people who coped by spending a lot of time with other people's children. For me, babysitting or serving in nursery,or whatever was very painful, and reminded me that I couldn't have children. Be aware that everyone is different, and don't blame them for their response. I felt very guilty for the way I felt, and it didn't help when others reminded me that I was being selfish--I already knew that and felt horrible about it. It took Heavenly Father telling me very kindly and very clearly that everything would be OK before it didn't hurt to be around other people's children. That answer did not come right away. It takes effort not to be offended by well-meaning comments from others. It helped me a great deal to remember that everyone goes through something that pushes them to the limit, whether it's infertility, death, financial trials, whatever. We all have to learn to grieve in this life, and we can all have the opportunity to learn from it. Once we've learned, we can better help others, but we must realize that the process is different for everyone. The one constant that I can see is that we all need to know for sure that Heavenly Father still loves us in order to move on.
L in Texas
If you have not gone through the trial of infertility, you cannot really understand the emotions that go along with it. When I was little all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. When you get married and both you and your spouse feel so strongly that it is time to add a new member to your family and 3 years later you still have that strong need to have a child of your own - it leaves you feeling empty - like you can't fulfill your purpose - or that heavenly father doesn't trust you with one of his children. It hurts when all the young mothers get up and bear their testimony about the blessings of being a mother - my husband and I are currently attending a BYU married student ward and everyone around us is pregnant or holding a baby in church. Every woman in the office I work in had a baby in the past year but me. We haven't yet felt like adoption is the answer for us, so we will continue doing everything we can and living our lives right until Heavenly Father decides it is the right time for our home to be blessed with a child. I haven't had the strength to tell many people of our struggle - and it does hurt when people say that you are smart to wait until you know each other better, or until you are done with school - or best yet, tell you that it is wrong to wait to have children in the relief society lesson and go on about our roles as mothers and that is how we fulfill our purpose in life - I actually stopped going to church for a while (after about 1 year of trying to get pregnant) because it was a constant reminder of the negative things that were taking over my mind. It took me a while to pull out of that - and I mostly accredit that to an understanding friend that supported me and would sit by my at church - that way I knew that there was someone on my side who was definitely not judging me.